Thursday, February 24, 2011
ok, so the title is first on the page so I think I need to know what I am going to type about and name it before I type bc everything HAS to be done in order! Yes, I am OCD, not officially diagnosed with it but I know I am. So I will sit and sit and sit just staring at the blank spaces trying to decide what I am going to type about so I can have a good title bc whatever the title is that is what HAS to be written about. Tonight I was thinking it would be easier just to name the post after it was typed and I knew what it was about but I have to fill in the title blank before I can type but then I realized NO I don't HAVE to have a title first, it really would be alright if I typed and then went back to the title. I think that will be what I do from now on, starting......tomorrow! Not today bc I decided to type about this and knew the title should be OCD before I started typing so tonight everything was still done in order. Ironic isn't it? lol tomorrow, tomorrow I will see about typing and then naming! :) It is hard sometimes to live with it, I think different than others and I know it! Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed, to start the day bc I am always afraid of forgetting something important, afraid that I will do something out of order or skip something, sometimes I just can't make my brain think right, it's like a scratched CD that gets stuck and you can rewind it but it keeps getting stuck in the same spot and can't go forward. I run the same thoughts over and over and over in my head trying to make sure everything is just right, to make myself feel like it is right but it never feels right bc it keeps getting stuck. Most days I can talk to God about it and move on, I have learned that even when things are forgotten it still is ok, that if something gets missed it gets missed and that is ok but if I am very tired (as I usually am lately) I have trouble moving on, trouble getting anything done. Most of the time I can find some small area of my life to control just so and let other stuff go. So, yes, I am different, yes, I struggle with OCD (just call me Monk!) but I am learning to lean on God, to let Him make things ok, to listen to His words when he says "let it go, move on, go forward, what you are stuck on doesn't matter and you are wasting time, daughter, just live and rest me" This is me, Hollie, OCD mother of five.