Wednesday, January 2, 2019

It's a new year

wow, 2019.  I am sitting here thinking, thinking of last year and what this year may hold, trying to hope in a better year, trying to believe feeling ok again is a possibility.  Then I feel so guilty, guilty for not feeling just thankful all the time, guilty for feeling depressed, guilty for feeling so overwhelmed that I just feel emotionally paralyzed (is that a thing?) so much of the time.  Sometimes I'm so scared to think that things could be calming down and that we could just be happy again bc something else may happen, it feels like something always happens.  I just quit typing for a few minutes and contemplated deleting everything I had just typed bc maybe its too negative, maybe its too depressing (no, that's the weather, cold and rainy, rain rain rain rain, I guess at least its not storming!), maybe its too raw and no one's business but I struggled and talked myself out of hitting that delete button.  Why? Because, it is real stuff, this is how I'm feeling, these are some of our struggles.  This is hard stuff, overcoming all that our family has been asked to overcome is hard.  I don't know who all will read this or what you may be going through too but maybe you need to know you aren't alone.  God is carrying us through, I believe that but the day to day is hard.  Moments when I reflect how close we came to losing our precious boy, this holiday season was so difficult, I kept thinking what if he wasn't here, what if we had lost him.  Yes, I was thankful, I am thankful, he is here with us and I cherish that!  I would just look at him and watch him in awe of what he has lived through, in awe that God allowed him to live, they said more than once, he shouldn't have lived, the doctors don't know how he did!  He quit breathing twice and they said he really shouldn't have made out to our ER.  Right now as I type, he is playing catch IN my kitchen with his 12 yr old brother!!!  I should stop them!  Boys should NOT play catch in a kitchen!  But I'm not (insert facepalm emoji).  I'm just going to be glad he CAN play catch, and I can't send them outside in this cold rain!  and if they are playing catch together, they are bonding and OFF devices and it's just a foam ball anyways!  Oh how we change!  Sorry Teenagers, I know I never ever ever would've even thought about letting you play catch in the kitchen!  On that note, here's a funny thing.  So, the other day I was in our room talking with both teens about life and such things and Chris mentions that sometimes he thinks the youngers need disciplined and don't aways get it.  I said, "you're right" bc, well, bc he is!  lol  When life is crazy and you are tired and feel like you are barely getting through the days and dealing with issues of your own, you just don't always have the brain power or energy to fight certain battles even if you should so sometimes things slide, certain attitudes, too much screen time at times, arguing with each other.  School makes it harder too and their daddy's schedule, we are all so tired, all the time.  Anyways, so back to the funny thing story.  So After this talk, I walk into the dining room, through the kitchen where a husband is cooking dinner but he can see the living room and couch clearly from the stove and what do I see in the living room???  The two youngest jumping, full on, standing up and jumping on the couch!!!  you can just see these two little heads popping up over the top of the couch, well one head stayed over the top was getting higher and lower, lol!  I knew I should say something but they weren't getting hurt or being overly wild to get hurt, they were just jumping up and down, up and down, up and down in their spots.  As I'm standing there watching and trying to decide to yell at them to stop and sit down but also thinking how great it is that Kayson can jump up and down even if it is on the couch, out walks Chris!  So instead of saying something to the littles, I turn to Chris and ask, "oh, is this one of those lack of discipline situations you were talking about?!?"  LOL  Of course Glenn hears that and asks, "what?"  and I say, "You're youngest are jumping on the couch!" and then he says,"Sit down on that couch!" and we all laughed at the irony of it happening right after I had talked with the teens.  #neveradullmoment