Tuesday, February 8, 2011
in memory of the one I never got to hold
three years ago I had an experience that is forever etched in my memory and every February I have a period of mourning and remembrance. Yesterday I just felt depressed and didn't want to get out of bed and this morning I remembered why. It is Feb 2008 and we are so excited, #4 is on it's way and we are going in for the first sonogram! We have the first three with us. Having been through 3 pregnancies already, I know almost immediately that something isn't right and when they call my doc and immediately send me over to his office I just know my worst fears are going to be confirmed. I was supposed to be 14 weeks, they found an 8 week sak and no heartbeat. We were devasted. The babies were crying, I had to call Mama at work, I don't even remember the drive home or much about that night. He/she (I strongly believe it was a she, I think I saw her) would be 2 1/2 now. I used to think of *her* hourly, then daily, now almost weekly. I still feel this hole in my heart and I wonder if it will ever go away and at the same time am scared it one day might. I do thank God everyday though for our precious Keegan who would not be if this one was. I thank God that those decisions are in His hands bc I could not imagine having to choose bt children. You know it has felt good to write this, I have felt pretty down the last two days, just wanted to stay in bed, but I now feel ready to face tomorrow. Precious baby, that we named Zephyr bc you were like a brief wind that blew in and out again, we love you and miss you and pray that the angels in Heaven are holding you tight tonight.