Tuesday, February 8, 2011

in memory of the one I never got to hold

three years ago I had an experience that is forever etched in my memory and every February I have a period of mourning and remembrance. Yesterday I just felt depressed and didn't want to get out of bed and this morning I remembered why. It is Feb 2008 and we are so excited, #4 is on it's way and we are going in for the first sonogram! We have the first three with us. Having been through 3 pregnancies already, I know almost immediately that something isn't right and when they call my doc and immediately send me over to his office I just know my worst fears are going to be confirmed. I was supposed to be 14 weeks, they found an 8 week sak and no heartbeat. We were devasted. The babies were crying, I had to call Mama at work, I don't even remember the drive home or much about that night. He/she (I strongly believe it was a she, I think I saw her) would be 2 1/2 now. I used to think of *her* hourly, then daily, now almost weekly. I still feel this hole in my heart and I wonder if it will ever go away and at the same time am scared it one day might. I do thank God everyday though for our precious Keegan who would not be if this one was. I thank God that those decisions are in His hands bc I could not imagine having to choose bt children. You know it has felt good to write this, I have felt pretty down the last two days, just wanted to stay in bed, but I now feel ready to face tomorrow. Precious baby, that we named Zephyr bc you were like a brief wind that blew in and out again, we love you and miss you and pray that the angels in Heaven are holding you tight tonight.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry Holly. We have a birthday party every year for our little girl Hannah. It helps me to know I am remembering and we are doing something to remember her. "It" will not go away but as you have already seen, you will think about it less and less. There is nothing wrong with that. It's normal and it's the way God intended it. I pray that one day your family can celebrate how much Zephyr changed your life in a good way. It took me about 5 years to get to that point. The only magic formula is God. If you ever need to talk, I am here. Know that you are not alone.