Poem I wrote 11-18-11

I wanted you to love me
 I wanted you to accept
  I tried so hard
   all the years
  I really tried so hard
I looked away
 I forgave
  I let you
   I didn't say
Angry, sad, hurt, betrayed, humiliated
   you have hurt this family
      you have destroyed ties
You do not love
 I feel sorry for you
  what led you to this?
   what has you so bound?
    how can you so easily be so very horribly deceived?
I do not understand

kindness

Thinking about being kind, intentionally kind.  Sometimes, even when I don't feel like being out among people, its good to smile at others.  Kindness can go a long ways, not always big things either.  Smiles, kind words, stopping to let people say hi to the babies, holding a door open, reminding my kids not to touch display glass bc someone has to clean it after them.  I also try to make my babies aware of those we don't always see, those many of us don't want to or even choose not to see.  Im so grateful for the people that make certain times possible, the cashiers, the waiters and those that clean up my baby's messes after a sunday lunch.  Its nice to have days I don't have to worry about it but I realize that means someone else does.  So see people, really try to look at them sometimes, smile, speak kindly.

Dry places

Ezekiel 37:1-13 The story of the dry bones
Have you ever found yourself in dry places?
How did you get out?
Probably the driest place I've found myself in was right after we left the cult we were both raised in.  I sure felt like these dried up, dead, useless bones.  So broken, so ran over, I didn't know who to trust or where to turn.  We lost friends and family and our "church".  We lost how we defined ourselves and our family.  I lost faith in people, in good, somewhat even in God.  Even these words feel useless to define the despair felt during this time.
To the getting out..........I asked others to pray even when I couldn't.  I believe my spirit was, my heart was but my mind could not, the words were not there.  I didn't even know what should be prayed or what I wanted to pray.  I still wanted God to be so present in our lives, I kept Bible in our homeschool, I read to the kids, even when it raised more questions for me, even when I almost didn't believe it anymore.  I still said Jesus loves you, my heart didn't feel it but I held to it, I had to.  I had to believe that God still cared, I had to believe that He had a purpose for what we were going through, I had to believe that ultimately He was still there!  It was NOT easy, specially without a strong body of believers to come along side us and help lift us.  But somehow He was there, somehow we did get through those days, somehow my babies still have strong faiths.  somehow = God how!  Then we found our church, our home, our family and they have come beside us and loved us and lifted us and prayed and cried with and for us.  They have helped God continue piecing us back together.  I can look around us again and see His grace!  I feel alive again and happy!  I feel happy!  We are blessed.  We still have healing to do but now I have hope.  Now I can see light!

transparency

How can we live transparently so others can see God clearly?  The short easy answer = share yourself!  A few thoughts and questions that I've had over the years......  How can we show others who are hurting and confused that God cares and loves them and wants to help them if we always act like we are so perfect all the time???  If we never admit that we too hurt, that we get confused, have bad attitudes (sometimes more often than good :-/ lol), that we fall short all too often and therefore we need a savior, we need God and His love and grace abounding in our lives then how can we show His light to others who are feeling the same.  How can they understand that He can break through all the mess and really find them and really love them if they see us acting like we have to be something else before even coming to Him???  Life is hard, I have issues and struggles and have been through rough things and I don't try to hide them.  I look at my happy, pretty well adjusted mostly (I think) precious babies and see God's grace shine through!  They've seen so much hard the last few years yet they still believe in God, they still love God, they shine wherever they are (people tell me how much they love my babies).  That's God!  That's His grace, nothing more or less, there's no other way but GOD!

truth speakers

Do you have people who can speak the truth in love to you?  This is more of an introspective question.  I'll just share a few thoughts.  There are a few people who can speak truth to me and I don't feel immediately defensive (It may shock you, but this can be a thing with me!  :-/ ).  Trust me, these are few, lol.  I think one key is how they speak truth.  Those words "in love"!  not in anger, not with any malice or disgust or judgement, but in love.  Truth is so very important, truth is always the best option but there is a right and wrong way to speak it and present it.  We do have to watch our own hearts and motives and keep close to God in prayer and ask His guidance for when and where and how we are to speak truth and also if we are the ones to speak it.  Sometimes He has someone else planned to speak that truth and thats ok.  He knows people and situations better then we do.

love one another

How can we truly love each other as we should?  be intentional.  Meet needs.  How can we meet needs?  we have to know each other, this also goes along with fellowship.  That means we also have to share ourselves, the good and the bad.  We can't just be all oh I'm so perfect, I have no problems.  That's not what God wants.  We all have problems and I'm not saying we need to go around complaining or being grumpy downers, lol.  I'm just saying if we put up a false front, no one will trust us or want to open up to us so we can see what needs are there.  These don't have to be big huge needs that take enormous amounts of time or money, sometimes the smallest thing just shows that a person was thought of and that goes such a long way.  Its so easy to feel alone and just knowing that someone else is there and cares goes such a long way.  I have a friend that periodically mails me a card, I just can't tell you the joy I feel when I see her name in my mailbox!  Sometimes when I'm having a rough time, there's her card and it is so touching!  I encourage you to encourage someone else every day this week.  :)

Eph. 4:29

Fellowship

Fellowship is sharing our life together.  The ups and downs, goods and bads.  We were made for fellowship, made for each other.  We long for understanding and friendship.  There should be no judgement in fellowship.  I think that there are lots of different types, friendship being the main one.  I thought I would share some examples and ways I receive and try to give it in my own life.  The obvious would be church!  :)  love our church and the people.  The acceptance and love for us is so amazing and healing and I am so grateful to know and share life with them!  :)  Another example would be in my homeschool group, we enjoy chilling at park days.  As a family we enjoy playing games and watching movies together.  I'm sure there's more.  Sometimes I don't feel like people-ing but when I do I am blessed by them.  Sometimes its hard to get everyone out and deal with the anxiety that goes along with it but that's not where we are supposed to stay,  It's good to reach out of that comfort zone and let God bring others into your life.  :)

Knowing Him

As we travel travel travel on our vacay, just driving driving driving, I figured it was a good time to get some typing in.  I'm still pretty sporadic in my blogging, but I try.  lol
"God is faithful, by whom ye were called unto the fellowship of His son Jesus Christ our Lord." - 1 Corinthians 1:9
I love living a life in fellowship with Jesus, He is always there, I fail but He is there, I forget Him but He is still there, I doubt His faithfulness but He is still there.
I remember a time around high school when the big question following Christian circles was "When did you accept Christ?" and lots of emphasis on telling your testimony followed by a belief among some that if you couldn't specifically answer with a date and emotional story, you were not indeed saved!  Don't get me wrong, I have many many stories and testimonies about His faithfulness through my life and times I've seen Him at work in and around me but I didn't have a salvation story.  My salvation story = I have always believed, ever since I can remember.  My mom told me I accepted Christ when I was around three.  That's it.  I actually had a church leader suggest that I wasn't even saved at all and it really bothered me and I was so scared maybe he was right but I knew whom I believed, I knew I loved Jesus, I knew He was with me, I claimed Him as my savior and spoke with Him daily, how could I not be saved???  Then my mama and some others I talked to told me that I did have a testimony and a good one, not a weak no one wants to hear it one.  I may not remember praying a "salvation" prayer but I remember Him with me through my life, I remember times of fear and hurt that He had to have carried me bc I don't see any other way I would've have made it to the other side.  I know who I have ran to in thankfulness in times of blessing and Joy.  I cannot imagine walking through this life without Him there!  That is my testimony!  As I look out my car window at all He has made, the mountains and grass and trees and clouds and beauty all around I am in awe of Him.  Even with the screaming baby in the background bc she is just DONE with the car for the day, even with tension in the vehicle bc the pilot light for the fridge in the RV won't come on and the fridge won't run while we are driving and we have food in there!  Even when we won't get to our stopping point till later than we wanted and that puts dinner later than we would like.  Even in these things, I see God.  I see Jesus.  I keep stopping typing to stare out my window and soak in the peace of the landscape.  God, it has to be God, no one else could create such beauty, such majesty!  So look for Him!  Share your life and your story!  Be blessed!!!

A Mother's Day post

Happy Mother's Day!  I love being a mother.  I started out the day somewhat discouraged as I've been sick and Kayson and needed to stay home from church.  I really miss our church family when I don't make it to church.  So I must confess to starting the day with well, not the best attitude ever, lol.  After my family made it home from church and gave me their thoughtful home/church made gifts that almost made me cry and brought home burgers from Five Guys and sweet tea from Chicken Express and my daddy brought me a Starbucks card and we have an afternoon plan even though my man is working.  We are going to watch Mom's Night Out and we've had laughs together and my baby girl was so glad to see me, she missed me, I guess she really does love me!  :)  and as I look around at those I helped bring into this world, I am awed and overcome with love and thankfulness!  No room for aforementioned bad mood to stick around!  I feel so much better!  :)  Now to go and watch a movie and eat some chocolate!  :)  May you have a blessed day with your loved ones!  Happy Mother's Day!  :)

Know God more

I recently went to our church Ladie's retreat.  I felt inspired to start writing again.  I thought I would start with some of the topics that were discussed that weekend.  How can we know Him more?  What are practical ways?  God is calling us to go deeper with Him and also with each other.  So often we are so afraid to enter into the reality of life with each other.  We are afraid of judgement but this is exactly what I believe we are called to.  To live real with each other and be there through our weaknesses and trials to help (where possible), encourage and listen.  I challenge you to really press in with those around you, be willing to share and show yourself and to give the gift of acceptance.  Also a very practical way to get to know Him more is to look around for Him, go on a God hunt in your everyday life.  You can see Him at work in so many ways if you keep your eyes open.  Very often you can find Him in the small things.  For example, I was doubting a little about going to the retreat, I needed to take the baby with me and I was concerned about my grandpa and I have social anxiety so I was feeling panicky as I was getting ready to leave the house but I pray and press on through it all and arrive there.  I check in and receive a baby holder and help bringing what feels like our entire house into my room for the weekend.  There on the bed is a goody bag and as I dump it on the bed I see a pink pen fall out!  I love pink!  It is my absolute fav color of all time, lol.  I took it as a sign from God that was where I needed to be, and I was!  It was such a great weekend!  There was also a heart sticker on my chair.  lol, it really is the little things.  Those things that speak only to you, God really is a personal God, He wants to know you too.  He says if you seek, you will find Him!  I choose to see these as little gifts from Him!  In my everyday life, as I look at my precious babies, I see Him, I see his grace shining through, my babies are happy and love Him!  Through all we have lived and through all we are still finding the other side of, as a family we cling to Him and I see His grace in that so much!  He has sent us to a church that truly loves and accepts us, I am so very grateful for our church.  Even in the hard, I try to find the things to be thankful for.  Kirsten stepped through our kitchen floor the other day and its a very hard thing to have a hole in your kitchen and discouraging but here's where I try (I say try bc somedays I fail) to find gratefulness and even in this there are thankful things and God things.  Kirsten was not hurt!  My dad has allowed us to move in with him while our house is under construction and unsafe for the youngers!  Glenn and daddy have been able to arrange the same week off to get work done on the house.  This has allowed us to rethink the children's rooms and make a better plan for them and we will be able to rearrange and really clean so when we move back in everything can be fresh and newish and exciting.  So, right now, in this moment, I choose gratefulness.  I choose to see God at work.  Be blessed today and go on your own God hunt!  :)

Hello again

Oh my, it has been a long time since I wrote here.  so much has happened, mainly we learned I was pregnant again and that it was a girl!  She was born in nov, we named her Kalani Nicole and she has added so much to our lives already!  I can't imagine life without her!  :) but I have had very little time for typing or crocheting or much else.  lol.  I do enjoy writing out my thoughts though so I'm going to try to start again.  :)  I do have trouble thinking of topics sometimes though.  As I am typing the baby girl wakes up and is in my arms now, I am currently finishing this one handed, lol.  guess I had better end here bc she will be hungry soon.  :)  talk to you all again soon..........hopefully!  lol