Actually I can!

 if I can embrace the I can!

believe, DO, move forward

CAN, embrace the can

make it happen

Keep walking

Keep loving

Stay kind

encourage

CAN

Actually I CAN!

Here I sit

 I find myself sitting in the computer lab at school, my school, after just finishing a final exam. I am waiting on child 1 to finish up work because we rode in together today. My college kids have come home for the holidays! This makes me so happy! I know they aren't far and I am so thankful to have them close enough to see them throughout the semester but there is still something about having them on the property again. The holidays are coming! I love Christmas and I'm so trying to hang onto that in the midst of all our hard. I have one more paper for my theology class and two weeks left of my online class after this week and then I will have my first semester back completed. I've questioned myself so many times. I forgot how much I love learning, books, words. It's like I have forgotten myself. I've learned to push me aside because I came to believe that I meant nothing, had no worth, everyone else mattered more. However, I have thoughts, my own thoughts, dreams, dreams still worth pursuing, likes, dislikes, opinions, its ok to have opinions even if they differ from others! I want to definitively say here that I have value but I still have trouble believing that. I've been labeled unloveable, hateful, controlling, paranoid, among other things. Those words float around in my head and make it hard to see myself in a positive light. No! I am more! I have to find belief that I have worth. This is a long road. A hard road. A road of ups and downs, potholes, bumps, fast lanes, brakes. So here I sit, reflecting, allowing myself a moment of excitement as I look to the end of my first semester back and look forward to a new semester of classes and learning and more books after the holiday that has always meant so much to me.

long time ~ no post

 Wow, it has been such a long time since I have posted a blog. There's a lot happening in our lives but not so much that I can really put in writing now. As the holidays approach, my first semester back in school is coming to a close. This is definitely not where I saw my life headed at this time but here I am. My theology class has been so enlightening and I have learned so much. I never imagined I would be attending university along side my two oldest. Life really has a way of throwing curveballs. It is however really neat to share this experience with my kids. The university is so beautiful and peaceful. I love watching my children grow and mature into adulthood. Other things that have happened this fall, Kalani diagnosed with anxiety, Kayson diagnosed with asthma and vitiligo, Cayden started high school, ran cross country and got most improved JV runner, Keegan has outgrown youth sizes and is wearing men's clothes at almost 13! He has also decided to grow his hair out and he has gorgeous curls! Kalani also got to move up to the kindergarten class at dance. She loves to dance so much! Hopefully I can start writing more but there's lots of busy and change.

Don’t ever let me go ~ 1-24-12

 Lord, I love you!

In the darkest times

My soul cries out to you

When I can’t

My soul sings your praises

You are there

when I cry

You lift me up

When broken

You hear my pleas

You attend my wounds

And wipe my tears

I know you’re here

I feel your presence

Even in the dark

Your light shines in my heart

My thoughts/my feelings

May be angry

May be confused

Try to turn bitter

But your pull is there

Your hand

Your urging

Deep

Down

in

my

Soul

Your TRUTH

Still stands

YOUR WORD

Still prevails

YOU, FATHER

YOU, JESUS

YOU, SWEET SPIRIT

are always there

You lift me

I soar

Even when

I don’t see

You carry

When I can’t go on

You give me strength

I am yours

I love you

Don’t ever let me go

Quarantine 2021

 So, how did your year start? lol, hopefully not with a dog bite, 3 pos COVID tests, ER visits, missed work, etc! Oh but the SNOW! It was so beautiful, even if we were in varying stages of virus recovery. I want more! It did give us a scare though bc last time we had snow, not only was it Jan it two days later we ended up in Dallas at Children’s. This time, we did end up at our local ER with miracle boy a few days after the snow bc of a migraine. He tested neg for COVID, flu and strep but I think it might’ve been COVID related. The ER seemed sure he would’ve tested pos if he was tested sooner. Kirsten tested pos when she lost taste and smell but she had already battled hives, fatigue, headache, upper respiratory stuff with two ER visits in dec trying to control the hives. The first ER didn’t test her so by the time the second ER did, she showed neg. Then on the first she went back to work, got bit by a dog doing a curbside order and went back to the ER. She’s fine it was just scratches really but then on the second Chris got his pos result, so when she lost taste and smell, she got retested. Glenn had to start quarantine and started feeling bad so work said get tested, he was pos too. He spent like 5 days in bed. Chris had headache and fatigue and a slight cough. Keegan has had some fatigue and days when I could tell he just generally didn’t feel well.  I think he’s not fully verbal about how he feels physically when he isn’t 100% . Like he doesn’t fully process it. Cayden and Kayson both lost taste and smell and had the fatigue. Seems like the fatigue has been the biggest symptom that has hit us all. Kalani too had days she just didn’t act like she was feeling 100%. Oh and if you can’t taste, char an orange, it can even be a small cutie, and eat it and then you can temporarily taste again! The non-tasters were so excited about this! My smell left me but I still have taste, thankfully. It is so weird not to smell and it left like all at once but seems to be returning slowly and I keep forgetting and trying to smell things! lol! The fatigue seems to be lingering too. Kirsten and Chris have both returned to work and we are thankful quarantine happened during their school break so they won’t miss classes. I think the highlight of quarantine was definitely the SNOW! Can you tell I love the white stuff? We did also have a Jurassic Park/World marathon.  Well, I had better log off here, its time to make some dinner even though a child just handed me a mini Reese’s that I am going to eat before, lol! Thankfully they are tasteable by all now!

pain and confusion

 I wanted you to love me

    I wanted you to accept me

        I tried so hard

            All these years

        I really tried so hard

I looked away

    I forgave

        I let you back in

            I didn’t say so much

Angry, Sad, Hurt, Betrayed, Humiliated

    You have hurt this relationship

        You have destroyed any hope

You do not love

    I feel sorry for you

    What led you to this

        What has you so bound

    How can you so easily be so very horribly deceived?

I do not understand

    How do you turn a back on a relationship

    How do you just not care?

    How do you sleep at night?

Why do you deceive?

    Why do you lie?

        Straight to my face!

            Then blame me

Where do I turn now?

    What decisions need made?

How do I trust again?

    Should I trust again?

Who will listen?

        Really listen!

    Who will believe?

    Who will help?

Broken

 What to say, what to say?  So broken, that’s all, just broken

                    Bruised

                    Ruined

                    Oh so much pain

                    Kicked

                    Existing

                    No hope

    the bruises don’t heal

        they multiply

    I’m left in ruins

        so high

    the pain continues

        both day and night

    he kicks me

        with all his might

    I’m just existing

        day to day

    I feel no hope

        to stay

10-27-2020

I cry

 Did I sin?

Was I prideful?

Now we pay?

Oh, Lord,

Forgive me!

Do we get another chance?

Forgive me!

Help me to heal

Help me to forgive

Help me to move forward

    Haltingly I go........

        Now I stop..........

            Scared!

                So scared!

Little mouse

    Squeaks help

Help my unbelief

Help my fear

Oh, Lord,

If you are still greatest in Heaven

If you really and truly still care

HELP!

Show me!

I cry!

10-10-11

Apologies

 Found some notes I made a few years ago when I was looking up what it meant to give an apology, not just say I’m sorry but how to mean it, how to know if others really mean it.  Is just words enough?  Does God consider words only enough?  What about restitution?  Isn’t that Biblical?  What situations?  What does it really look like?  Is saying “I’m sorry I hurt you”, basically meaning I’m sorry you took offense but I was still right and not sorry for what I said or did really an apology?  Still placing the blame on the other person.  Apology - an admission of error or discourtesy ACCOMPANIED by an expression of regret.  Apology - an acceptance of responsibility for a wrong PLUS a pledge to change one’s ways.  An apology is not complete if it does not reflect all four of these: 1. Regret 2. Understanding of problem 3. Acceptance of responsibility 4. Willingness to do better !  The whole purpose of an apology is an assurance that the behavior will not continue.  If you don’t hear all four of these, it is ok to ask for them.  If you are met with resistance, be skeptical of the true motive behind the words.  Before acceptance of an apology (I’m not talking about extending Godly forgiveness in your heart, that can be done without any action on the part of the other party.  I’m talking about letting someone back in, re-trusting, easing up on boundaries in place to protect you) ask, did I see or detect annoyance, blame shifting, any remorse?  Annoyance, blame shifting or lack of remorse will most likely ensure that the behavior will continue and your heart and emotions are not safe with that person and healthy boundaries need to stay in place.  I feel like these are the types of conversations that Christians do not have nearly enough of.

Hurt

Found this poem while cleaning my room, reorganizing my yarn shelf the other day.  I wrote it 6-10-18.

Hurt

Oh how I hurt,

The things people have said

They bounce around in my head

Maybe they are right

That I’M hateful

    That I’M nothing

    That I shouldn’t have my family

That I’M toxic

Who will be there to cherish me?

Who will help me find belief in love,

    Healing in kindness?

I’ve tried so hard to run towards hope————

    Broken,

        Am i unfixable?

Will i ever feel ok again?

Hollie L. Derr

No Compassion

When you tell someone you have no compassion towards depression ——-

- you tell them they are nothing/not worth your time

- you tell them the problem is solely theirs and no one cares enough to be bothered

- you tell them that you are no longer a safe place for them (and most probably that you never were!)

- you tell them when they feel like crying but don’t know why that you will not be a shoulder for them

- you tell them that when the depression makes sleep at night impossible they will still be expected to get up the next morning and function at full capacity

- Did I mention you tell them they are worthless?  Not worth anyone’s compassion

- you are saying to them that they do not deserve to be on this planet

- that they mean nothing

-that their best is NOT and never will be good enough

A few simple words or actions that say you do not care, says all this to someone who suffers from depression.

Saying you have NO compassion for their struggles says they are not worth your concern, love, thoughts, protection, help - It shoves them lower than they already are, makes it hard to see any light, hard to breath, hard to hope, hard to move forward, hard to live.

Empowerment

So let’s talk about this word for minute.  There are things I face, things I deal with everyday, things I don’t share on social media, things I’m still trying to sort out myself.  I have come to believe that I was raised and spent the first half of my adult life, started raising my precious babies, in a Christian cult.  Yes, I said Christian cult!  They are out there!  They do exist!  We have people that have known us from babies that will still not speak to us, like an Amish shunning.  So, this word:  empowerment.........  I struggle daily with who I really am, in a lot of ways just discovering myself at 40 years old.  All that to say, There are women in your community, in your church, next door, coworkers, in the grocery store, black, white, red, brown, purple, pink (ok, maybe not the last two), that need empowered to be who they are, to find who they are, to stand up for themselves, against husbands who don’t value them, churches that won’t believe them, friends that won’t stand by them, children who disrespect them, they are losing their fight, losing their families, losing their hearts and becoming lifeless because they believe they are ugly and have no value.  These women, these are those that need your open hearts, your love, your encouragement, your listening ears.  Don’t push them off, don’t give them words that are empty and don’t help.  Some have given everything for years and still nothing changes.  Discouragement is so very real, especially when someone is behind you destroying what you try to build.  They’ve made excuses, they’ve held to hope where there wasn’t any, they didn’t know, they weren’t taught, they just wanted to be cherished.  They need to be able to learn and grow and find mental health, sometimes staying right where they are.  Please, listen, believe, love.  Empower them to find the truth that they are worth more, that they are beautiful, they are not failures.  #notallabuseisphysical #butheneverhitme #itwasntallbad

Depression feels like.........

Depression feels like
      lack of sleep
   feels like
      no hope
   feels like
      hate
   feels like
      isolation

Depression feels like
      failure
   feels like
      loneliness
   feels like
      you can’t catch a thought
   feels like
      stupidity

It is unpredictable
   it is tears for no reason
      sadness when things should
         be happy

It is suffocating
   and overwhelming

It is wanting to end this
   poem on a positive note
      but not being able to
         find one
   wanting to encourage
      but needing encouraged
         yourself
   wanting to help others
      find hope but
         feeling hopeless
            yourself
   wanting to be an uplifter
      but having nothing
         else to give.

Depression is destruction

Looking for God in the midst of the hard

I actually took notes down for this blog a few months ago but never sat down to get it typed.  As I look at what I wrote it seems fitting for all we are facing right.  My first thought I put down was how life had been hard especially the last few weeks and I still find that true, however the difference now is, you all share in the hard we are currently facing.  However, then and now, I see ways that God’s grace shines through, especially if I look.  No, the depression doesn’t magically or even supernaturally disappear, the hard things are still there and still must be faced, we still forge ahead but with the knowledge of God in our midst, there in the hard with us, shining His beauty and love if we will open our eyes and take the time to look for Him, be still long enough to let Him speak.  Everything we’ve been through the last few years, my babies still smile and laugh and love, God!  They all have good grades in school, cept the current semester bc our district is not taking grades while we are home bound and sheltering in place.  Kirsten has grown into such a beautiful young woman.  It saddens me that her first year, freshman year of college was pretty much cut short bc of this pandemic but she is picking up extra hours at work.  She works at a grocery store.  She is on the frontlines of this time.  Prayers of protection for her please.  Then Chris!  He has accomplished so much, I am so proud of him.  He will graduate this year and start college next year at the same one as Kirsten.  I am so thankful to have them choose a school close to home.  He plans to run cross country in college while studying engineering and math.  He is so smart!  He amazes me.  He has been helping out during all this too, driving Kirsten to and from work bc her car needs new tires and that came up right before everything started shutting down.  He has also drove my dad into some appointments.  Also ran to the grocery store when we’ve needed something.  Right now as our world is turned upside down and everything is canceled and there’s so much fear and uncertainty, I really need to look and see God.  The birds are singing and the world is blooming, I love to see the fresh green and new wildflowers.  I am thankful, so thankful for our property in this time (well, always, but especially now) where the kids can run and play.  It’s hard when Keegan gets so angry and runs off bc he’s overwhelmed and out of routine and having trouble processing and I don’t know how to help him, how to reach him, but God!  Keegan has always stayed on our property, I’m so thankful for that.  He’s calmer when he comes back to the house.  It’s hard to be growled at by Kayson when he gets mad or doesn’t like what I say or doesn’t want to transition (read get off his iPad) but he has grown so much and is excelling in his school.  He is currently above grade level and not using his IEP accommodations.  That is God!  So amazing!  It’s God that he is still with us!  It’s hard when Kalani wont listen and obey and is into everything and she isnt potty trained, isnt interested it seems, she found pacifiers again and cries if we try to take them, I decided there’s just to much stress right now to fight that battle but God knew we needed her.  Her smile and laughter just lights up our house.  She adores her brothers, she loves having them home! (I do too, actually). She sings and dances all the time.  I see God in the food in our fridge and pantry, in the hand sanitizer we had left from what I bought before school started when it was on sale with the school supplies, in the bird that flew into our living room window and scared us all with a thud but got up and flew away awhile later (we were keeping an eye on it).  Look around, where do you see God at work in your life?

Kayson Strong as an Eagle ~ 2 years

As I sit here watching my miracle boy do his math homework all on his own, I am reflecting on his journey.  Two years ago today, he was still in PICU, still not fully awake, not talking, not walking, my daddy had brought all the siblings to visit and it was so great to see them all.  It was such a scary time for us all and my heart hurt at seeing him just laying there in that hospital bed and not being with my other precious babies during the week.  That was such a long 7 weeks away from all.  Today he is thriving in school, just went to read chap 5 of his book to his daddy for school.  Baseball season will start this month and he is so excited to play again.  He moves up to kid pitch this year.  I am a bit freaked out at the idea of another kid throwing a ball at my boy but I am assured he cannot live in a bubble and all will be fine.  LOL  He is up to his full dose on his new migraine meds.  Doc said it could take up to a year to really notice if they are working well but I did notice the other day that he got a bad migraine, right at dinner time, he tried to eat, he did take Tylenol and ibuprofen, they said he needs both when he gets a headache, then he said his stomach was upset, I put peppermint oil on his tummy.  He laid on the couch and was fussing bc of the pain and that scared me but then he fell asleep for a little while and was some better when he woke.  A little while later he went to bed for the night and was just fine the next am.  Any other headache lately, that didn’t have to be even that bad, would have had him throwing up, resulting in an ER trip.  This time we avoided the ER!  PTL!  I hope hope hope that is a sign that the new meds are working.  The doc said he will prob still get the headaches with throwing up and an ER trip but the hope is to cut the ER visits to once or twice a year instead of almost every other month.  Precious boy is still as silly as ever!  And that red hair!  So so so thankful for his life and his incredible story.  He is now gathering everyone for night night prayers, he loves doing night night prayers and I love his heart!

A crazy week

So I am going to try to write something, this has been a crazy week and my brain is not in a super great place right now.  Dealing with the boy's attitudes and the baby screaming bc I took the iPad away bc its not time for kids tube right no, I feel so mentally exhausted all the time.  Monday I spoke some blog notes into my phone while driving, some of them are super confusing, LOL.  I feel like such a failure as a mother, the kids get so angry sometimes and say such mean and rude things to each other.  I have to fight just to get them to get some basic chores done, the house stays a mess, even when I try to have a place for everything.  Sorry, off track, told you my brain was in a bad place tonight.  Anyways, sometimes it takes me forever to write a blog again bc I think of things to write while I'm driving but they all leave my head before I get a chance to sit down and type them up.  So I realized I could speak my thoughts into my phone with Siri.  However I only have notes for about halfway through mon and the rest of the week will have to be from memory, lol.  Also there's no punctuation in the notes I have so that's interesting too.  I can't believe my baby is almost three!  Another side track, she just walked in here and looked so big and it made me think of that.  Monday am when I took Kalani to dance, she refused to wear her bow and instead insisted on cat ears she had found saturday while we were out at the Hwy 80 garage sales.  Before dance was two parent/teacher conferences, one in person, one by phone.  I missed getting a conference for cayden with one of his teachers bc I didn't read and respond to the email soon enough, sigh.  Anyways, Keegans teacher was over the phone, she said he is doing excellent and they all wish they had like 20 more of him.  That was so great to hear!  Kayson is doing excellent as well, making straight As which is absolutely amazing considering where he was just a year ago!  Then I met Chris at the bank and he opened his own checking account.  My babies are growing!  Then we went for lunch, he chose panda express.  When we got there and were walking in, Kalani spotted the panda and said, "Awww, cute care bear!" lol!  Then We did some grocery shopping.  Tuesday my precious oldest turned 19!  Glenn and I went on a date night that evening, we ended up stopping in at Sams to renew our membership and walked around a bit which led to us finding an arcade table that looks like the vintage pac mans, so we sat and played a game of pac man!  Anyone want to get us an arcade table, its only $500!  LOL  Wednesday was eye appts for Chris and I and those went great!  Chris's eyes are the same and mine actually got a bit better.  Then some Arbys for lunch and another appt and church that evening.  Thurs was a drive into the dentist for all the kids (not miss 19, I'm an adult now, LOL) and that went great too!  No cavities!  Then I took them to fresh for lunch and let them play on the playground there.  We ate outside, it was a beautiful day.  That evening we had french toast for Kirsten's bday dinner and gave her her presents.  Then today kalani and I stayed home and had a lazy day!  That was nice.

hello, its been awhile, I'm sorry

I haven't sat down to type a blog in forever!  My brain feels so jumbled, I don't know what to say here, I'm not sure what I should say here.  Some days are still so hard, and like I know if I try to write something it will just be not great bc my brain is not in a great place.  Or I think about blog topics and think it all out in my head while driving and forget later!  I'm not sure this day or this moment is a better clarity moment but its been so long since I typed anything so here I am, eating pizza for lunch, sitting my room all by myself, not watching Chopped bc we had to get rid of DirectTV, listening to the TV sounds coming from the front room, even with my door closed, feeling completely and utterly alone and forgotten.  So, How's the Zoo these days?  Let me see what my fingers decide to tell you.  Kalani is in dance and loves it, she dances everywhere, the gym, the grocery store, church, our yard, XC meets, everywhere, lol.  She doesn't even always need music.  She still isn't potty trained, its hard bc we never seem to be home consistently enough to work on it well and if there is a day full day we stay home, I'm so tired and mentally exhausted, potty training just isn't happening.  Kayson is loving second grade and doing so great!  He is making 100s on his work and is doing so much different than last year, he's got up to grade level!  its amazing the growth he has had.  He did have two ER visits this summer, everything checked out so that's good but every time he gets a headache and starts throwing up he has to be seen.  It makes me scared for him to get sick at all but I know he can't live in a bubble but oh how I want to put him in one.  Keegan is loving 5th grade and has friends.  He has his own room now bc we were told he needed his own space, that put Cayden back sharing a room with Kayson though.  Keegan also has started counseling and loves having someone to talk to just for him.    He also has been discharged fro his Occupational Therapy.  Sometimes though the words he says are so mean, I don't know why he thinks it's ok.  Cayden is a teen now!  Half of my children are teens!  He has a phone and started running XC, he also wants to kiss me goodbye before the bus reaches our drive in the ams.  A story about him, we were at a local church the other night and saw someone we knew and Kalani and Kayson started up the staircase that was right there!  Neither Glenn nor I were close enough to get there quickly and Kalani started to trip backwards, I was so scared!  Next thing I know Cayden gets there and catches her head right before it hits a step!  I was so proud of him and thankful for his attention and quick thinking!  Chris is my senior this year!  He's in the top 10% of his class, still running XC on varsity, joined the debate team, looking for a job!  Both older teens got their licenses this summer and they both have cars.  Kirsten Started college and got a job.  I'm so proud of my babies!  jhkjvjhwekjfdjruhvksdrhvkwjsnfkejrgelisuhr (oops my fingers went crazy for a second!  Can fingers have a nervous breakdown? lol) We could still use prayers, Silver (fam vehicle) has some maintenance issues, our main fridge is out, the stress is so high and I struggle still with anxiety on a daily basis.  I guess I better go for now, bus is about to be here with three of my boys!  I meet them so they don't have to walk up in the heat.

Kayson Strong as an Eagle ~ One year later

Wow!  A year ago yesterday we brought our baby home!  What a day that was!  I've been planning on writing this blog for weeks, at a year from the stroke, a year from getting out of ICU, a year from entering inpatient rehab but I kept not.  Honestly, its been a rough year for me.  I don't always talk about it but I have been dealing with depression and high anxiety since we brought baby boy home from Dallas.  Everytime I would think oh I'll write this blog, I would just feel so down and overwhelmed that I couldn't form my thoughts well.  This year has had a surgery for baby boy, an autism diagnoses for another, everyone in school and no more homeschooling, an oral surgery for me, sadness at church, Derr Zoo's first broken bone and plenty of other drama.  The trips to and from Dallas have put a strain on our finances and now Silver (Our big SUV, the only vehicle we own that will fit all of us in it!) is sick sick!  But this week we are camping at Baby boy's request!  I just hope that we can find our way back to a better togetherness, that we can get a bit closer to God, that we can remember the good in our lives and each other this week.  Camping has always been grounding for our family.  A year and a few weeks ago the bottom fell out to our world.  I will never ever forget that feeling as the NP came in the ER room and baby boy just laying there and she said they were flying him to Dallas ASAP bc he had a mass in his brain.  That feeling of just looking at your precious child and your heart breaking in two or more pieces, the phone calls that needed to be made, people showing up, the waiting, the uncertainty, the numbness, so numb and scared.  Then we learn that its not a mass but a stroke, a stroke!  Our seven year old red head had a STROKE!  He shouldn't have lived to even get to a hospital but he did!  They aren't sure (medically, we know it was GOD!!!) how he survived the stroke, they said he shouldn't have bc it was so very massive but it had not touched his brainstem so as long as they could keep the swelling managed and as long as he didn't have seizures that would cause further damage, the prognosis was good, so they said he needed to be put in a coma to allow his brain to rest and eventually start to heal.  My baby boy just laying there, unresponsive for days, the waiting to see his eyes, to see any glimpse of him, would he remember us, would he be scared, I didn't know it would take forever for him to really wakeup, I didn't realize just how long before he would talk again, if he would talk again, would he walk again, would he be able to learn and live, would he be able to use the restroom on his own or remain in diapers, what did our future hold???  It would be seven weeks before we would be able to take him home, walking and talking.  Now a year later, he is learning to read and he is counting to 100.  He is so silly and its so amazing to watch him continue to heal and grow.  He has been cleared to play baseball this spring and he is so excited but oh he looks so small out there and it scares me to pieces, honestly I kinda just want to put him in a bubble, which his doctors assure me I cannot do!  LOL! So here we are a year later, still trying to  process what all has happened, trying to learn what our family looks like in all this new, trying to stay a solid family unit when it feels like so much is trying to tear us apart.  Your prayers are still much appreciated!  But we are grateful, so thankful for our boy's life, so glad God decided to spare his life and let us keep him!  As I watch him run and play and learn and I am just in awe of how far he has come and how close we came to losing him.  Thank you all for your support and sharing this journey with us.

It's a new year

wow, 2019.  I am sitting here thinking, thinking of last year and what this year may hold, trying to hope in a better year, trying to believe feeling ok again is a possibility.  Then I feel so guilty, guilty for not feeling just thankful all the time, guilty for feeling depressed, guilty for feeling so overwhelmed that I just feel emotionally paralyzed (is that a thing?) so much of the time.  Sometimes I'm so scared to think that things could be calming down and that we could just be happy again bc something else may happen, it feels like something always happens.  I just quit typing for a few minutes and contemplated deleting everything I had just typed bc maybe its too negative, maybe its too depressing (no, that's the weather, cold and rainy, rain rain rain rain, I guess at least its not storming!), maybe its too raw and no one's business but I struggled and talked myself out of hitting that delete button.  Why? Because, it is real stuff, this is how I'm feeling, these are some of our struggles.  This is hard stuff, overcoming all that our family has been asked to overcome is hard.  I don't know who all will read this or what you may be going through too but maybe you need to know you aren't alone.  God is carrying us through, I believe that but the day to day is hard.  Moments when I reflect how close we came to losing our precious boy, this holiday season was so difficult, I kept thinking what if he wasn't here, what if we had lost him.  Yes, I was thankful, I am thankful, he is here with us and I cherish that!  I would just look at him and watch him in awe of what he has lived through, in awe that God allowed him to live, they said more than once, he shouldn't have lived, the doctors don't know how he did!  He quit breathing twice and they said he really shouldn't have made out to our ER.  Right now as I type, he is playing catch IN my kitchen with his 12 yr old brother!!!  I should stop them!  Boys should NOT play catch in a kitchen!  But I'm not (insert facepalm emoji).  I'm just going to be glad he CAN play catch, and I can't send them outside in this cold rain!  and if they are playing catch together, they are bonding and OFF devices and it's just a foam ball anyways!  Oh how we change!  Sorry Teenagers, I know I never ever ever would've even thought about letting you play catch in the kitchen!  On that note, here's a funny thing.  So, the other day I was in our room talking with both teens about life and such things and Chris mentions that sometimes he thinks the youngers need disciplined and don't aways get it.  I said, "you're right" bc, well, bc he is!  lol  When life is crazy and you are tired and feel like you are barely getting through the days and dealing with issues of your own, you just don't always have the brain power or energy to fight certain battles even if you should so sometimes things slide, certain attitudes, too much screen time at times, arguing with each other.  School makes it harder too and their daddy's schedule, we are all so tired, all the time.  Anyways, so back to the funny thing story.  So After this talk, I walk into the dining room, through the kitchen where a husband is cooking dinner but he can see the living room and couch clearly from the stove and what do I see in the living room???  The two youngest jumping, full on, standing up and jumping on the couch!!!  you can just see these two little heads popping up over the top of the couch, well one head stayed over the top was getting higher and lower, lol!  I knew I should say something but they weren't getting hurt or being overly wild to get hurt, they were just jumping up and down, up and down, up and down in their spots.  As I'm standing there watching and trying to decide to yell at them to stop and sit down but also thinking how great it is that Kayson can jump up and down even if it is on the couch, out walks Chris!  So instead of saying something to the littles, I turn to Chris and ask, "oh, is this one of those lack of discipline situations you were talking about?!?"  LOL  Of course Glenn hears that and asks, "what?"  and I say, "You're youngest are jumping on the couch!" and then he says,"Sit down on that couch!" and we all laughed at the irony of it happening right after I had talked with the teens.  #neveradullmoment

Onward

by Kirsten Derr

Onward we go on
There's no stopping us
Fighting for freedom
Fighting til dawn
There's a chance we won't go home
There's a chance we will stay
Fighting for freedom
Fighting til dawn
Since we can't go home
Til this this fight is good and done
Tell the enemy there's no stopping us
Fighting for freedom
Fighting til dawn