Here I sit

 I find myself sitting in the computer lab at school, my school, after just finishing a final exam. I am waiting on child 1 to finish up work because we rode in together today. My college kids have come home for the holidays! This makes me so happy! I know they aren't far and I am so thankful to have them close enough to see them throughout the semester but there is still something about having them on the property again. The holidays are coming! I love Christmas and I'm so trying to hang onto that in the midst of all our hard. I have one more paper for my theology class and two weeks left of my online class after this week and then I will have my first semester back completed. I've questioned myself so many times. I forgot how much I love learning, books, words. It's like I have forgotten myself. I've learned to push me aside because I came to believe that I meant nothing, had no worth, everyone else mattered more. However, I have thoughts, my own thoughts, dreams, dreams still worth pursuing, likes, dislikes, opinions, its ok to have opinions even if they differ from others! I want to definitively say here that I have value but I still have trouble believing that. I've been labeled unloveable, hateful, controlling, paranoid, among other things. Those words float around in my head and make it hard to see myself in a positive light. No! I am more! I have to find belief that I have worth. This is a long road. A hard road. A road of ups and downs, potholes, bumps, fast lanes, brakes. So here I sit, reflecting, allowing myself a moment of excitement as I look to the end of my first semester back and look forward to a new semester of classes and learning and more books after the holiday that has always meant so much to me.