hello, its been awhile, I'm sorry

I haven't sat down to type a blog in forever!  My brain feels so jumbled, I don't know what to say here, I'm not sure what I should say here.  Some days are still so hard, and like I know if I try to write something it will just be not great bc my brain is not in a great place.  Or I think about blog topics and think it all out in my head while driving and forget later!  I'm not sure this day or this moment is a better clarity moment but its been so long since I typed anything so here I am, eating pizza for lunch, sitting my room all by myself, not watching Chopped bc we had to get rid of DirectTV, listening to the TV sounds coming from the front room, even with my door closed, feeling completely and utterly alone and forgotten.  So, How's the Zoo these days?  Let me see what my fingers decide to tell you.  Kalani is in dance and loves it, she dances everywhere, the gym, the grocery store, church, our yard, XC meets, everywhere, lol.  She doesn't even always need music.  She still isn't potty trained, its hard bc we never seem to be home consistently enough to work on it well and if there is a day full day we stay home, I'm so tired and mentally exhausted, potty training just isn't happening.  Kayson is loving second grade and doing so great!  He is making 100s on his work and is doing so much different than last year, he's got up to grade level!  its amazing the growth he has had.  He did have two ER visits this summer, everything checked out so that's good but every time he gets a headache and starts throwing up he has to be seen.  It makes me scared for him to get sick at all but I know he can't live in a bubble but oh how I want to put him in one.  Keegan is loving 5th grade and has friends.  He has his own room now bc we were told he needed his own space, that put Cayden back sharing a room with Kayson though.  Keegan also has started counseling and loves having someone to talk to just for him.    He also has been discharged fro his Occupational Therapy.  Sometimes though the words he says are so mean, I don't know why he thinks it's ok.  Cayden is a teen now!  Half of my children are teens!  He has a phone and started running XC, he also wants to kiss me goodbye before the bus reaches our drive in the ams.  A story about him, we were at a local church the other night and saw someone we knew and Kalani and Kayson started up the staircase that was right there!  Neither Glenn nor I were close enough to get there quickly and Kalani started to trip backwards, I was so scared!  Next thing I know Cayden gets there and catches her head right before it hits a step!  I was so proud of him and thankful for his attention and quick thinking!  Chris is my senior this year!  He's in the top 10% of his class, still running XC on varsity, joined the debate team, looking for a job!  Both older teens got their licenses this summer and they both have cars.  Kirsten Started college and got a job.  I'm so proud of my babies!  jhkjvjhwekjfdjruhvksdrhvkwjsnfkejrgelisuhr (oops my fingers went crazy for a second!  Can fingers have a nervous breakdown? lol) We could still use prayers, Silver (fam vehicle) has some maintenance issues, our main fridge is out, the stress is so high and I struggle still with anxiety on a daily basis.  I guess I better go for now, bus is about to be here with three of my boys!  I meet them so they don't have to walk up in the heat.