Poem I wrote 11-18-11

I wanted you to love me
 I wanted you to accept
  I tried so hard
   all the years
  I really tried so hard
I looked away
 I forgave
  I let you
   I didn't say
Angry, sad, hurt, betrayed, humiliated
   you have hurt this family
      you have destroyed ties
You do not love
 I feel sorry for you
  what led you to this?
   what has you so bound?
    how can you so easily be so very horribly deceived?
I do not understand

kindness

Thinking about being kind, intentionally kind.  Sometimes, even when I don't feel like being out among people, its good to smile at others.  Kindness can go a long ways, not always big things either.  Smiles, kind words, stopping to let people say hi to the babies, holding a door open, reminding my kids not to touch display glass bc someone has to clean it after them.  I also try to make my babies aware of those we don't always see, those many of us don't want to or even choose not to see.  Im so grateful for the people that make certain times possible, the cashiers, the waiters and those that clean up my baby's messes after a sunday lunch.  Its nice to have days I don't have to worry about it but I realize that means someone else does.  So see people, really try to look at them sometimes, smile, speak kindly.

Dry places

Ezekiel 37:1-13 The story of the dry bones
Have you ever found yourself in dry places?
How did you get out?
Probably the driest place I've found myself in was right after we left the cult we were both raised in.  I sure felt like these dried up, dead, useless bones.  So broken, so ran over, I didn't know who to trust or where to turn.  We lost friends and family and our "church".  We lost how we defined ourselves and our family.  I lost faith in people, in good, somewhat even in God.  Even these words feel useless to define the despair felt during this time.
To the getting out..........I asked others to pray even when I couldn't.  I believe my spirit was, my heart was but my mind could not, the words were not there.  I didn't even know what should be prayed or what I wanted to pray.  I still wanted God to be so present in our lives, I kept Bible in our homeschool, I read to the kids, even when it raised more questions for me, even when I almost didn't believe it anymore.  I still said Jesus loves you, my heart didn't feel it but I held to it, I had to.  I had to believe that God still cared, I had to believe that He had a purpose for what we were going through, I had to believe that ultimately He was still there!  It was NOT easy, specially without a strong body of believers to come along side us and help lift us.  But somehow He was there, somehow we did get through those days, somehow my babies still have strong faiths.  somehow = God how!  Then we found our church, our home, our family and they have come beside us and loved us and lifted us and prayed and cried with and for us.  They have helped God continue piecing us back together.  I can look around us again and see His grace!  I feel alive again and happy!  I feel happy!  We are blessed.  We still have healing to do but now I have hope.  Now I can see light!

transparency

How can we live transparently so others can see God clearly?  The short easy answer = share yourself!  A few thoughts and questions that I've had over the years......  How can we show others who are hurting and confused that God cares and loves them and wants to help them if we always act like we are so perfect all the time???  If we never admit that we too hurt, that we get confused, have bad attitudes (sometimes more often than good :-/ lol), that we fall short all too often and therefore we need a savior, we need God and His love and grace abounding in our lives then how can we show His light to others who are feeling the same.  How can they understand that He can break through all the mess and really find them and really love them if they see us acting like we have to be something else before even coming to Him???  Life is hard, I have issues and struggles and have been through rough things and I don't try to hide them.  I look at my happy, pretty well adjusted mostly (I think) precious babies and see God's grace shine through!  They've seen so much hard the last few years yet they still believe in God, they still love God, they shine wherever they are (people tell me how much they love my babies).  That's God!  That's His grace, nothing more or less, there's no other way but GOD!

truth speakers

Do you have people who can speak the truth in love to you?  This is more of an introspective question.  I'll just share a few thoughts.  There are a few people who can speak truth to me and I don't feel immediately defensive (It may shock you, but this can be a thing with me!  :-/ ).  Trust me, these are few, lol.  I think one key is how they speak truth.  Those words "in love"!  not in anger, not with any malice or disgust or judgement, but in love.  Truth is so very important, truth is always the best option but there is a right and wrong way to speak it and present it.  We do have to watch our own hearts and motives and keep close to God in prayer and ask His guidance for when and where and how we are to speak truth and also if we are the ones to speak it.  Sometimes He has someone else planned to speak that truth and thats ok.  He knows people and situations better then we do.

love one another

How can we truly love each other as we should?  be intentional.  Meet needs.  How can we meet needs?  we have to know each other, this also goes along with fellowship.  That means we also have to share ourselves, the good and the bad.  We can't just be all oh I'm so perfect, I have no problems.  That's not what God wants.  We all have problems and I'm not saying we need to go around complaining or being grumpy downers, lol.  I'm just saying if we put up a false front, no one will trust us or want to open up to us so we can see what needs are there.  These don't have to be big huge needs that take enormous amounts of time or money, sometimes the smallest thing just shows that a person was thought of and that goes such a long way.  Its so easy to feel alone and just knowing that someone else is there and cares goes such a long way.  I have a friend that periodically mails me a card, I just can't tell you the joy I feel when I see her name in my mailbox!  Sometimes when I'm having a rough time, there's her card and it is so touching!  I encourage you to encourage someone else every day this week.  :)

Eph. 4:29

Fellowship

Fellowship is sharing our life together.  The ups and downs, goods and bads.  We were made for fellowship, made for each other.  We long for understanding and friendship.  There should be no judgement in fellowship.  I think that there are lots of different types, friendship being the main one.  I thought I would share some examples and ways I receive and try to give it in my own life.  The obvious would be church!  :)  love our church and the people.  The acceptance and love for us is so amazing and healing and I am so grateful to know and share life with them!  :)  Another example would be in my homeschool group, we enjoy chilling at park days.  As a family we enjoy playing games and watching movies together.  I'm sure there's more.  Sometimes I don't feel like people-ing but when I do I am blessed by them.  Sometimes its hard to get everyone out and deal with the anxiety that goes along with it but that's not where we are supposed to stay,  It's good to reach out of that comfort zone and let God bring others into your life.  :)