Glass Bottle Part 2

Sadness. That day I lost a piece of my childhood because I was forced to learn an adult lesson: not all those in authority can be trusted.
Hurt. I was then forced to watch as Mrs. Scarlett's actions, culminating in a 2 hour all-the-things-I-hate-about-you meeting directed towards my mom with the cult leader watching and agreeing, destroyed my mom's light. After which my grandparents, whom we shall call Mrs. White and Colonel Mustard, sided with the cult. They blamed my mom for what was happening and basically cut of all ties with us. It felt like they abandoned my brothers and me. Which means no more Christmas, no more birthdays, no more visits at their house, no more meaningful contact. They stopped coming to everything we invited them to. They seemed to just disappear from my life completely.

Glass Bottle Part 1

By Kirsten Derr for her AP English III class
An essay about a formative time of her life

Shock. Sadness. Hurt. Fear. Anger. Confusion. Stress...
Let me explain.
It started 6 years ago, the summer I would turn 11. We attended this church, which shall be henceforth known as the cult, where my parents were 3rd generation with pastors included in the family. My mom became friends with this lady, whom I shall call Mrs. Scarlett. At first everything seemed fine, and then it happened. Mrs. Scarlett began making small jabs at my mom in various settings on facebook. Maybe here I should mention that Mrs. Scarlett helped in what they called our youth class. And then, one Friday evening, Mrs. Scarlett decided cyber bullying wasn't enough for her. This is where my story begins.
Shock. My mom called me from Ladies Bible Study asking me what exactly I said in class the wednesday before. I was shocked to be told that Mrs. Scarlett had twisted words of mine to hurt my mama in front of all the cult ladies. This lady I trusted, this adult placed in a position of authority, warped what I said in a place of security and innocence.

birthday poem from Kirsten

I don't have your present
So this will have to do
While waiting for the day
It is due

I love you dear Mother
So shining and bright
You will never be a bother
All of my life

I love you dear mother
For each day I learn more
From your wisdom and grace
And for this
You shall never be a bore

I love you dear mother
So patient and kind
My mistakes have been many
But you love me still

Now it's my time to say
How much you mean to me
I've loved you Mama
Since the day I was born

Happy Birthday

Poem I wrote 11-18-11

I wanted you to love me
 I wanted you to accept
  I tried so hard
   all the years
  I really tried so hard
I looked away
 I forgave
  I let you
   I didn't say
Angry, sad, hurt, betrayed, humiliated
   you have hurt this family
      you have destroyed ties
You do not love
 I feel sorry for you
  what led you to this?
   what has you so bound?
    how can you so easily be so very horribly deceived?
I do not understand

kindness

Thinking about being kind, intentionally kind.  Sometimes, even when I don't feel like being out among people, its good to smile at others.  Kindness can go a long ways, not always big things either.  Smiles, kind words, stopping to let people say hi to the babies, holding a door open, reminding my kids not to touch display glass bc someone has to clean it after them.  I also try to make my babies aware of those we don't always see, those many of us don't want to or even choose not to see.  Im so grateful for the people that make certain times possible, the cashiers, the waiters and those that clean up my baby's messes after a sunday lunch.  Its nice to have days I don't have to worry about it but I realize that means someone else does.  So see people, really try to look at them sometimes, smile, speak kindly.

Dry places

Ezekiel 37:1-13 The story of the dry bones
Have you ever found yourself in dry places?
How did you get out?
Probably the driest place I've found myself in was right after we left the cult we were both raised in.  I sure felt like these dried up, dead, useless bones.  So broken, so ran over, I didn't know who to trust or where to turn.  We lost friends and family and our "church".  We lost how we defined ourselves and our family.  I lost faith in people, in good, somewhat even in God.  Even these words feel useless to define the despair felt during this time.
To the getting out..........I asked others to pray even when I couldn't.  I believe my spirit was, my heart was but my mind could not, the words were not there.  I didn't even know what should be prayed or what I wanted to pray.  I still wanted God to be so present in our lives, I kept Bible in our homeschool, I read to the kids, even when it raised more questions for me, even when I almost didn't believe it anymore.  I still said Jesus loves you, my heart didn't feel it but I held to it, I had to.  I had to believe that God still cared, I had to believe that He had a purpose for what we were going through, I had to believe that ultimately He was still there!  It was NOT easy, specially without a strong body of believers to come along side us and help lift us.  But somehow He was there, somehow we did get through those days, somehow my babies still have strong faiths.  somehow = God how!  Then we found our church, our home, our family and they have come beside us and loved us and lifted us and prayed and cried with and for us.  They have helped God continue piecing us back together.  I can look around us again and see His grace!  I feel alive again and happy!  I feel happy!  We are blessed.  We still have healing to do but now I have hope.  Now I can see light!

transparency

How can we live transparently so others can see God clearly?  The short easy answer = share yourself!  A few thoughts and questions that I've had over the years......  How can we show others who are hurting and confused that God cares and loves them and wants to help them if we always act like we are so perfect all the time???  If we never admit that we too hurt, that we get confused, have bad attitudes (sometimes more often than good :-/ lol), that we fall short all too often and therefore we need a savior, we need God and His love and grace abounding in our lives then how can we show His light to others who are feeling the same.  How can they understand that He can break through all the mess and really find them and really love them if they see us acting like we have to be something else before even coming to Him???  Life is hard, I have issues and struggles and have been through rough things and I don't try to hide them.  I look at my happy, pretty well adjusted mostly (I think) precious babies and see God's grace shine through!  They've seen so much hard the last few years yet they still believe in God, they still love God, they shine wherever they are (people tell me how much they love my babies).  That's God!  That's His grace, nothing more or less, there's no other way but GOD!