Migraine

by Kirsten Derr

Pounding
Pounding
Always pounding
Like a miner in a mine

Brighter
Brighter
Always brighter
The light seems to shine

Louder
Louder
Always louder
The voices are than mine

The heat
Heat
Heat
Always makes it worse
I could scream till I go hoarse

Will it ever go away
This aching every day
Lying in wait
To strike
On a random date.

I am me

by Kirsten Derr

I am me
I'm not society's beautiful
I'm not the worlds definition of
blessed
I am me
And that is enough
I have all the family I need
I have those few loyal friends
I am me
And that is enough

Faith

How do you hold onto/keep your faith when you feel like God is nowhere to be found, when you feel like your prayers are empty and no one hears them?  I know this is a hard place to admit when we are in after all aren't christians supposed to be perfect, aren't we supposed to have all the answers?! Aren't we supposed to be strong because Christ is strong?!  But if we are honest with ourselves and others and God, we have all been here before!  You know what?  GOD KNOWS!!!!  It is not a surprise to Him!  He doesn't want perfect, He wants us!  How can His strength shine through if we aren't willing to allow our weakness to be seen, ever?  Why do we act like God can't handle our weakness and our questions and our doubts at times?  NO, If I truly believe that God can handle life and death, if I believe that He raised my son (and I do bc the docs do not have an explanation for how he survived the stroke!), if I truly believe that God knows all and is supreme and is all powerful then I have to believe that He can handle my insecurities and doubts, that they do NOT scare Him!  That He is prepared for the questions and weakness and doubts.  So how do we hold to our faith in scary moments?  in questioning?  Yes, prayer......yes, read your Bible......yes, seek wise counsel, do not discount the importance of a true church family that will love you and come alongside side you in life.  These are all very important but I would also like to mention something else that some may see as too simple but I would venture to say, in my life has sometimes had the biggest impact of all.  That has helped the previously mentioned things really come to life.  First I would like to mention two passages of scripture.  "Seek and ye shall find" Matt. 7:7 and God in a "still small voice" from 1 Kings 19:11-12.  So, here it is, look for God!  Look for His hand in your life.  How might He be holding you, how might He be trying to get your attention?  And do not discount the small!  The green trees and pretty flowers and blue skies speak of His glory and majesty, look up!  He knows life is hard and healing takes time but you can find Him.  Kalani, our little ball of sunshine and energy and what would we ever do without her, we didn't know we needed her, but God did.  Our kitchen table is not a new example but we needed one years ago and didn't have any extra money and God touched someone's heart and we had a nice table given to us!  Even baby boy's neck brace speaks of God.  Without God he wouldn't be with us and neither would that brace!  I look at my teens and see God!  They are wonderful people and thoughtful and fun and they have a faith that only can be from Him.  With everything our family has been through and seen and dealt with, my babies are happy and loving, that can only be God!  Our property is a gift from God, so beautiful and peaceful and truly a sanctuary for us.  We have a porch, people that have loved us through our struggles and helped us in tangible ways and prayer support and encouraging words.  I have a friend that sends cards a few times a year, I can't tell you how touched I am every time I open my mailbox and see an envelope from her!  All these things that come from God!  He does provide.  Sometimes it's hard to see through the hard but I believe He understands and He's waiting for us to find Him and He reaches out to us in big and small ways.  He wants to strengthen our faith and he wants a relationship with us.  He is there for the good and bad.  He wants us, all of us, the pretty and ugly.  Seek Him and remember He is in the small too!

Prayer

Again this may not be your typical "christian" post.  Just a few ramblings of a stay home mama who loves God and has seen his hand in so much but has also lived through hard.  First, I am not an intercessor.  I pray for those who are and highly respect them and they are very much needed but I am not one, nor do I feel called to be one.  I've struggled with guilt over this for a good part of my life, feeling like something was wrong with me bc I just couldn't focus for hours at a time on prayer all by itself.  Don't get me wrong, I pray!  I pray before bed, I pray at the grocery store, I prayed at Kayson's hospital bedside, I pray as I drive, I pray as I talk to babies, I prayed about this blog, I talk to God about everything, good, bad, about things I don't understand, about how to wife and parent and friend, about truth, what is and isn't, about what He has blessed us with and what I'm thankful for.  Sometimes I don't even really realized I have prayed, almost like breathing but more like just sharing life with a friend but a friend who is always there, a friend I won't wear out my welcome, a friend that won't tire of my issues of which I have plenty, lol.  So, I think my encouragement to you would be to just pray, if your called to be an intercessor, we need you!  I'm sure there are moments in life that only an intercessor's prayers have carried us through!  I've felt them and I thank you!  However if that is not your calling, God still wants to hear from you.  Share the everyday with Him, I even have asked him to guide my grocery shopping and at least once I felt the need to put back something I was going to buy and found out like the next day that the very thing I was planning on feeding my kids when we got home, the whole reason we stopped by the store to get lunch and plans changed as I was picking it off the shelf and we bought and ate something else was recalled!  Thank you, God.  Another thought, there have been times when I felt I couldn't pray or I just didn't know what to pray and I relied on other's prayers.  Don't get me wrong, we cannot live our whole lives this way, God wants us but I believe He understands the depth of some pain, I believe He patiently waits for us to be able to speak with Him again but He still hears the prayers of others on our behalf!  So be encouraged and talk to our Father in Heaven!  :)

Can God use you?

I could answer this question with all kinds of wonderful amazing Biblical examples of simple people who did amazing things as encouragement that you too can do great things, however, I would like to go in a different direction with this post.  I wonder how God sees our everyday ordinary lives.  When He looks down on us from his majestic throne does He think, oh those little humans, running around doing absolutely nothing with their lives, don't they know they should be more?  I think the answer is NO!!!!  He looks on us in love and even laughter at times.  :) I think we all have great things in us but we don't always recognize it.  We let the world beat us down and make us feel small.  So a few reflective questions.  Is it always the BIG and showy that speaks the most to your heart?  How many times a day do think you might make someone else smile, even a small one?  How many others have blessed you just through kindness in a hard moment?  How many times has someone else coaxed a small smile from you through your tears?  Another one, is it always in person?  over text? through a phone call?  over facebook?  Speaking of facebook, do you ever feel like measuring the effective of your post based on how many likes or comments you get?  On that note, do you look at a post that made you laugh or smile and think well that only has five likes, they shouldn't have wasted our time posting that?  NO!  Well, I don't.  I'm just glad it was posted and it brightened my day, even if I'm the only one that liked it.  I struggled with these feelings a bit when I first got on FB, and if maybe I shouldn't post and then I thought, it doesn't matter, if my words, or pic, or whatever makes one person smile, if it touches just one life, even in a very small way, it was worth it!  And not just on FB either.  Any small daily tasks sometimes I would question.  Did it really matter if I took my kids to the park, did I touch anyone?  What about at the grocery store, did I make difference?  Then I thought, maybe I did.  What about when I encouraged that mom of littles that was close to tears bc her child wouldn't listen?  What about when I spoke to the cashier like they were a real person?  What about when I encourage my children to see and thank those that most people ignore, the man cleaning the tables at the restaurant, the lady cleaning our room at the hotel, the person washing the windows at the store?  So, I think my encouragement here would be that God shines through in the everyday, He shines in the small.  You don't have to "go viral" to make a difference.  God can use you where you are at!

Kayson Strong as an Eagle ~ Surgery is planned!

This week saw us in Dallas again.  This time for an appt with the neuro surgery doc that will do Kayson's surgery.  We found pretty heavy rain on the way in and almost saw a wreck!  So thankful that we didn't see the wreck and that we didn't get entangled in the mess it would've caused as we were close to the vehicles!  That was even before the rain!  We made it safely to his appt after a stop at Bucees.  :-D  Everything went well, we got a surgery date, June 6, and were able to ask any questions we had.  Here's the hard.  He's only seven!  7!!!!  Just a baby!  This isn't fair!  They go in through muscle in the back to get to the spine.  He will have two incisions bc they also take some rib.  They put in titanium screws (that will not be a problem for future MRIs).  The surgery takes 4-6 hours!  How do we do this?  Oh, this is my baby!  He will be in the hospital about 5 days and will have to stay home for two weeks after.  They said it is a painful surgery.  Did I say this isn't fair?!?  I'm still trying to fully wrap my head around all this.  I know God has my baby, I know He saved my baby's life!  It's still so hard!  I cried some on the way home and before bed.  Prayers are appreciated. Prayers for the waiting, prayers for the surgery, prayers for his recovery, for the docs hands and wisdom, for as little pain as possible, for us while he is in surgery and we are waiting, for the kids that will still be home, for safe travels to and from Dallas, That God carries us all through this time and continues to shine through.