Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Don’t ever let me go ~ 1-24-12

 Lord, I love you!

In the darkest times

My soul cries out to you

When I can’t

My soul sings your praises

You are there

when I cry

You lift me up

When broken

You hear my pleas

You attend my wounds

And wipe my tears

I know you’re here

I feel your presence

Even in the dark

Your light shines in my heart

My thoughts/my feelings

May be angry

May be confused

Try to turn bitter

But your pull is there

Your hand

Your urging

Deep

Down

in

my

Soul

Your TRUTH

Still stands

YOUR WORD

Still prevails

YOU, FATHER

YOU, JESUS

YOU, SWEET SPIRIT

are always there

You lift me

I soar

Even when

I don’t see

You carry

When I can’t go on

You give me strength

I am yours

I love you

Don’t ever let me go

Friday, January 15, 2021

Quarantine 2021

 So, how did your year start? lol, hopefully not with a dog bite, 3 pos COVID tests, ER visits, missed work, etc! Oh but the SNOW! It was so beautiful, even if we were in varying stages of virus recovery. I want more! It did give us a scare though bc last time we had snow, not only was it Jan it two days later we ended up in Dallas at Children’s. This time, we did end up at our local ER with miracle boy a few days after the snow bc of a migraine. He tested neg for COVID, flu and strep but I think it might’ve been COVID related. The ER seemed sure he would’ve tested pos if he was tested sooner. Kirsten tested pos when she lost taste and smell but she had already battled hives, fatigue, headache, upper respiratory stuff with two ER visits in dec trying to control the hives. The first ER didn’t test her so by the time the second ER did, she showed neg. Then on the first she went back to work, got bit by a dog doing a curbside order and went back to the ER. She’s fine it was just scratches really but then on the second Chris got his pos result, so when she lost taste and smell, she got retested. Glenn had to start quarantine and started feeling bad so work said get tested, he was pos too. He spent like 5 days in bed. Chris had headache and fatigue and a slight cough. Keegan has had some fatigue and days when I could tell he just generally didn’t feel well.  I think he’s not fully verbal about how he feels physically when he isn’t 100% . Like he doesn’t fully process it. Cayden and Kayson both lost taste and smell and had the fatigue. Seems like the fatigue has been the biggest symptom that has hit us all. Kalani too had days she just didn’t act like she was feeling 100%. Oh and if you can’t taste, char an orange, it can even be a small cutie, and eat it and then you can temporarily taste again! The non-tasters were so excited about this! My smell left me but I still have taste, thankfully. It is so weird not to smell and it left like all at once but seems to be returning slowly and I keep forgetting and trying to smell things! lol! The fatigue seems to be lingering too. Kirsten and Chris have both returned to work and we are thankful quarantine happened during their school break so they won’t miss classes. I think the highlight of quarantine was definitely the SNOW! Can you tell I love the white stuff? We did also have a Jurassic Park/World marathon.  Well, I had better log off here, its time to make some dinner even though a child just handed me a mini Reese’s that I am going to eat before, lol! Thankfully they are tasteable by all now!

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

pain and confusion

 I wanted you to love me

    I wanted you to accept me

        I tried so hard

            All these years

        I really tried so hard

I looked away

    I forgave

        I let you back in

            I didn’t say so much

Angry, Sad, Hurt, Betrayed, Humiliated

    You have hurt this relationship

        You have destroyed any hope

You do not love

    I feel sorry for you

    What led you to this

        What has you so bound

    How can you so easily be so very horribly deceived?

I do not understand

    How do you turn a back on a relationship

    How do you just not care?

    How do you sleep at night?

Why do you deceive?

    Why do you lie?

        Straight to my face!

            Then blame me

Where do I turn now?

    What decisions need made?

How do I trust again?

    Should I trust again?

Who will listen?

        Really listen!

    Who will believe?

    Who will help?

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

Broken

 What to say, what to say?  So broken, that’s all, just broken

                    Bruised

                    Ruined

                    Oh so much pain

                    Kicked

                    Existing

                    No hope

    the bruises don’t heal

        they multiply

    I’m left in ruins

        so high

    the pain continues

        both day and night

    he kicks me

        with all his might

    I’m just existing

        day to day

    I feel no hope

        to stay


10-27-2020

Saturday, October 24, 2020

I cry

 Did I sin?

Was I prideful?

Now we pay?


Oh, Lord,

Forgive me!

Do we get another chance?

Forgive me!


Help me to heal

Help me to forgive

Help me to move forward

    Haltingly I go........

        Now I stop..........

            Scared!

                So scared!

Little mouse

    Squeaks help

Help my unbelief

Help my fear


Oh, Lord,

If you are still greatest in Heaven

If you really and truly still care

HELP!

Show me!

I cry!


10-10-11

Thursday, October 1, 2020

Apologies

 Found some notes I made a few years ago when I was looking up what it meant to give an apology, not just say I’m sorry but how to mean it, how to know if others really mean it.  Is just words enough?  Does God consider words only enough?  What about restitution?  Isn’t that Biblical?  What situations?  What does it really look like?  Is saying “I’m sorry I hurt you”, basically meaning I’m sorry you took offense but I was still right and not sorry for what I said or did really an apology?  Still placing the blame on the other person.  Apology - an admission of error or discourtesy ACCOMPANIED by an expression of regret.  Apology - an acceptance of responsibility for a wrong PLUS a pledge to change one’s ways.  An apology is not complete if it does not reflect all four of these: 1. Regret 2. Understanding of problem 3. Acceptance of responsibility 4. Willingness to do better !  The whole purpose of an apology is an assurance that the behavior will not continue.  If you don’t hear all four of these, it is ok to ask for them.  If you are met with resistance, be skeptical of the true motive behind the words.  Before acceptance of an apology (I’m not talking about extending Godly forgiveness in your heart, that can be done without any action on the part of the other party.  I’m talking about letting someone back in, re-trusting, easing up on boundaries in place to protect you) ask, did I see or detect annoyance, blame shifting, any remorse?  Annoyance, blame shifting or lack of remorse will most likely ensure that the behavior will continue and your heart and emotions are not safe with that person and healthy boundaries need to stay in place.  I feel like these are the types of conversations that Christians do not have nearly enough of.

Monday, July 20, 2020

Hurt

Found this poem while cleaning my room, reorganizing my yarn shelf the other day.  I wrote it 6-10-18.

Hurt

Oh how I hurt,
The things people have said
They bounce around in my head
Maybe they are right
That I’M hateful
    That I’M nothing
    That I shouldn’t have my family
That I’M toxic
Who will be there to cherish me?
Who will help me find belief in love,
    Healing in kindness?
I’ve tried so hard to run towards hope————
    Broken,
        Am i unfixable?
Will i ever feel ok again?

Hollie L. Derr