Stay Home Sacrifices

I hear things all the time in reference to my "stay-home" homeschool status.  Things like, 1)"you're so lucky", 2)"must be nice that your husband allows you to stay home", 3)"I just don't have the patience for that", 4)"my kids drive me too crazy", 5)"we just can't afford it", 6)"you have your hands full" (mostly in reference to our "large" family), 7)"I just couldn't do it" (said with awe, like I'm something special or some kind of saint, which I assure you I am NOT!)
Now let me pause here to say, this post is in no way meant to try to heap guilt on any moms (hey, its a tough job and we need to stick together!) or to persuade anyone to our lifestyle.  I do not know your story or the reasons for your family's decisions and I do NOT judge working moms, stay home public or private school moms.  Our lives are definitely not one size fits all and one persons decisions do not always work for another.  The intent of this post is just to address some of the things I hear on a semi regular basis and why they are not entirely true and sometimes slightly hurtful.
1)  I am major blessed but I do not believe luck had anything to do with our choices.  We've put a lot of thought and prayer into our decisions.  We do what we believe is best for our family and that means sometimes it's hard.  I don't stay home because it's easy, I stay home because I want to be the one to raise my babies, I want to help facilitate their growth, I want to see the lightbulb go off in their head, I wouldn't trade that for money or prestige or even sanity.  lol.  (not that I do not miss some of those things at times)
2)  While my husband works very hard for this family and I am super proud of him, I do not need his permission to stay home.  We made this decision together.  It is where I want to be and where he wants me to be.  We both make sacrifices to make this happen.  He takes leftovers to work for lunch sometimes or PB+J bc we do not have the money for him to eat out every day.   He cuts the boys hair and quite often his own.  His Mac is coming apart, the bottom is seperating from the plastic frame and it is slow but it works!
3) neither do I!  'nough said!  However, I think I will elaborate a bit more.  I get angry, I yell, I say things I shouldn't, I cry, they cry, I have to walk away instead of handle a situation, I have to turn discipline over to Glenn at times bc I am just at my wits end with a situation, or a child, or just everything that I just can't handle it at that time.  Sometimes I lay in bed in the am already hearing the fussing and fighting and I don't want to get up and face that day, I just want to crawl in a hole or go back to sleep.  There are days when nothing gets done, no school, no housework, nothing constructive bc I just don't have the energy (mental or physical depending on the day) to deal with it.  There are times they spend way too much time with an electronic device or in front of the TV bc I just don't want to hear the fighting.  Definitely not all the time, oh, but there are days!
4)  Trust me, my kids drive me CRAZY too!!!  I love them, I wouldn't trade them for anything or anyone, I want each and every one of them but they still drive me absolutely insane at times!  Parenting is HARD, no matter how you do it, it is HARD!  We have awesome, wonderful, heartwarming, postable (lol) moments that make everything totally worth it but we put a lot of teaching and discipline and hard work into making those moments possible.  I still have to tell the eight year old to take that out of your mouth, that is not food, seriously, don't chew on that!  That child constanty wants something in his mouth!  The six yr old has some sensory issues, sometimes he has slight self control/anger issues (especially when he is minus his daily frankincense, which we are currently out of).  The four yr old, well he's the baby!  Then you have the teens!  Who might possibly be reading this so maybe I won't elaborate on them, Hi teens, Mama loves you!  :-D
5)  Here's where I will highlight some of what we sacrifice so we can "afford" for me to stay home.  I do my own nails when I can find the time, my hair doesn't get "done" but once every few years, I would love to have a cute cut that I could get done once every month or so and is easy to manage but when I do get to go in for one I always tell them, I need a cut that will grow out well bc I won't be back to maintain it, they look at me like I'm insane!  Most of our clothes are hand me downs (for which I am very grateful for!) or come from the local thrift stores as do our shoes.   All this as I hear Glenn raiding the change box (an old vicks box!  lol) before he leaves for work. We have to budget our Sunday lunches so we can make it to church and get to enjoy lunch with Glenn before he goes to work for the evening and sometimes we are still raiding other envelopes for lunch money.  I don't wear makeup partly bc we can't afford what I like and partly bc I don't always have time before we leave the house and partly bc its just not my thing but I do like it once in while.  We don't have a fancy house, just a humble double wide.  Our vehicles are not new, they are nice and I am grateful for them but they are not new, although Silver isn't all that old either and a huge blessing!  My purse is name brand but was a hand me down too.  Our flat screen TV is six years old.  I would love a nice camera, the one I dream of is around $900, yea, it's just a vapor of a dream.  Sometimes, Glenn works extra jobs to fill in where we need more.  We are blessed, I am not trying to sound like I am complaining or anything like that, that is not the purpose of this post, I am just trying to point out a few realities that make our life what it is.
6)  Yep, I do!  However I had my hands full with just the older two also, just bc there are more children doesn't mean life is neccesarily harder or my hands are fuller.  We learn, we adjust, the olders help with the littles.  If I didn't have my full hands, I don't know what I would do.  I love being a mother!
7)  I can't always either.  I know I mentioned earlier that some days just don't happen, it's like ok, I am not adulting today, it's just not possible.  Sometimes the house is a disaster, sometimes the laundry piles up, sometimes things have to wait to get fixed, sometimes we have to weigh priorities and importance and decide what gets fixed or what we need most.  Sometimes we have a little extra and just need to splurge, sometimes we decide a fun family memory is more important than the next thing that needs fixed.  I  don't always do it bc I can but bc this is who we are this is where we are at, survival is not a choice but a neccessity.  This is what we do, this is who we are, not bc we can but bc we have to.  Not doing is not an option, least not a longterm one!
Mostly when I hear one of those statements I just kinda nod or shrug and keep my mouth shut but it is hard to hear, it's hard when you almost cry at the grocery store bc you're not sure what you have the money to buy will last till payday, somehow, it always does.  It's hard when you're searching your purse for loose change to get that last item on the list.  It's hard when the oldest asks to go to the movies with the youth group and the only reason you can afford it is bc another kind youth offered to pay for her.  It's hard when you're eyeing the gas gauge wondering how you'll make it till payday.    We do have lots of nice things, that we have been super blessed to recieve, like the GeoTrax currently covering my living room (that have been collected since Chris was about two!).  :)  The dining table we didn't have to pay for!  The three window units that help keep our house cooler (somewhat) in the summer scorching afternoons (although that electric bill is hard to deal with sometimes!  lol)  These are our choices and I love being home with my babies, I am thankful but luck has had nothing to do with it!  It is not an easy choice but it is best for us, I wouldn't change it!  Thus ends my rebuttals that I usually just keep to myself.  Maybe now, next time I hear one, I can smile and nod politely and remind myself that they just don't know and they just don't understand.  To ALL moms, You are awesome, You are a superhero!  Whatever choices you make, you are touching little lives in ways no one else can.  Dads too!!!  Embrace them, enjoy them, encourage them, find moments to savor and hold onto and make those precious memories!  :)

Teenagers

Here I sit at McDonald's bc the olders are at youth and I needed something to do with the littles, one of which is sitting beside me not playing bc he is still finishing his school!  I've been wanting to get back to typing on my blog but sometimes I just don't know what to say.  I've deleted two posts already bc I was afraid someone would miss understand what I was trying to portray.  I think I will talk about teenagers.  I don't know why people act the teenage years are so awful?  I only have two teens right now and three littles but so far, I enjoy my teens.  Yes, sometimes they throw attitude but so can I!  imagine that!  :-/  lol  We have things we like to do together, we have shows and movies (I'm so glad we waited till they were older to introduce some movies and shows bc now we can share those with them and not the littles and it gives us something special) and music.  We have tried to lay a firm foundation for them and now we can give more freedom in some areas.  They know the rules and boundaries and what happens if they break or cross them.  We talk about everything!  We discuss responsibility and mistakes and how to avoid them.  We are still parents to them but I feel we are also friends.  Not taking the place of their peers, we could never do that but in a parental way.  I just want to say I am thoroughly enjoying them.  Watching them learn to do new things, to navigate new waters, to make their own decisions after thorough discussions is really cool.  Listening to them weigh the pros and cons or the possible consequences on their own is so neat to see.  The laughs and the sarcasm (mine and theirs) is priceless!  Also seeing them help out with the littles, they can be such a great help to our household.  However the girl teen van get so lost in her phone, oh my how that child can zone out!  lol, not that her mama ever did that with books!  no, not I!  lol  However don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times I think these two are some kind of alien!  Oh my!  LOL As we sit here at Chick fil a (where we came for dinner after picking up the olders) and the littles play, each teen has their phones out.  what must we look like to others?  lol, what if we end up on someones fb as a what you shouldn't do?  As I was just saluted by my daughter who I sent into the battlefield (also known as the play area) to remind them to go UP the steps and DOWN the slide!!!  Ugh, They KNOW this!  Anyways, I think I have bored  you long enough tonight.  :)

The Closet!

Decisions overwhelm me.  Ones that others find easy to make.  For example, I'm trying to go through and reorganize our toy closet.  First I had to go through the toys that were left in front of the door.  These are the Christmas toys that never found their right baskets and were stashed in the way of getting to the very place they belonged.  This posed a special problem since I couldn't just simply pick them up and put them away one by one bc they all had to be moved before I could get to where they were meant to be.  So before I could even get started I already didn't know how to begin and just wanted to sit down and cry!  (doesn't help that I am missing the 13 yr old so much while he is at camp this week!)  Also I feel pressed for time bc I am trying to get something accomplished while the littles are at VBS and I know once they get home the accomplishing will be significantly harder if not next to impossible!  So I call in a reinforcement for moral support, she is so good at that!  and we begin, sord of.  So I pick up a toy, what do we do with one?  donate, trash?  but he was so happy when he got it, yes, its really just a cheap piece of trash, but he loved it, oh look its missing an arm, we really really don't need to keep a broken arm toy no matter now loved it supposedly is, right and oh yea, he hasn't looked for it or mentioned it in months, finally trash is decided!  You know, we really must move faster than this!  Finally before I go pick up the littles, the toys are cleared from the doorway.  There's a bag for trash and one for donate and little piles of soldiers, legos, squinkies, imaginext, etc waiting for their forever homes.  Lunch and movie break and then all I want is a nap, the bed sounds so nice and I could just sleep and sleep and sleep but I must not, no, no, but I want to, NO!  back to that closet in the library.  and now it's time to open that door, the horror!!  Once again I just want to cry and scream! bc this closet that has been organized more than once, that has a lock at the top so the littles can't get in and wreck everything, yes, they need permission to get anything out, this closet has toys not in their proper places, toys that someone (possibly one of the olders that can reach the lock but was too lazy or focused on a different task) just threw in the closet and didn't bother to put in their proper container.  Now I am overwhelmed and MAD!  but alas I know neither of those feelings will really help so I try to trudge on.  So I pull out overflowing containers and start purging!  I would love to say the closet is done but it is not.  We have gotten rid of a lot!  Switched some groups to more appropriate sized containers (like the legos are now in one place and not two!).  Decided not to keep two toy house things bc they like the bigger dollhouse to play superheroes in, no need to keep them all.  Speaking of those wonderful superheroes, I still need to go through those and put them in a better container and go through our wooden blocks and the instruments but I can take a little solace in the knowledge that I do not need to go through the Geo Trax, all those are keep!  We've been collecting those for over ten years!  Every child has played with them, they are great and well made and they last!  Those are definitely a save for the grands toy!  For now the library door is closed, the littles are in bed which means the house is QUIET! and maybe I can get some crocheting in.

If I'd as Much Money as I Could Spend

If I'd as much money as I could spend,
 I never a broken heart could mend;
I never could buy the snow to send,
 Or buy a trip to the rainbow's end,
If I'd as much money as I could spend.

If I'd as much money as I could tell,
 I never could make a cockle shell;
I never could stay the spring's farewell,
 Or store the tide to buy and sell,
If I'd as much money as I could tell.

If I'd as much money from Pole to Pole,
 I never could buy my friend's dear soul,
For only Jesus can make us whole,
 And write our names on Heaven's scroll;
                 And HE ever could!
                 Oh, HE ever would
                 Do all these things,
                 Kindly and free,
                 Out of His love
                 For you and me.
                                From The Christian Mother Goose Big Book by Marjorie Ainsborough Decker

I read this to Kayson for school today and wanted to share it.  We are using this book as his social studies/character class.  :)  This even made me think about some things!  :)

How Are You

I walk in
  it comes
 that question
"how are you?"
my response
  "good"
smile
just smile
but wait
is that a lie?
did I lie?
Honestly,
  I hurt,
 I'm broken
I'm angry
  I'm not good
 I'm not ok
I want to be
   but I'm not
I'm just not
would you care?
do you want my honesty?
why do you ask?
would you stop?
would you listen?
would you let me cry?
would you pray with me?
   would you?
 Honestly, would you?
There's no time
everyone would look at us
thats more than you want
smile
just smile
just reply
   "good"
keep it all in
 like a good girl
How are you?
   good
smile
 just smile
always smile
its expected
so
HOW ARE YOU?

                 Hollie L. Derr

Homeschool day # 35 (2014/2015 school year)

This might be a long one, as I sit down to type it out and look at my notes from the day (some days I jot notes down as I think of something worth saying or remembering, not everyday, but some.  I started that bc so many times I would think I want to remember that for my blog and wouldn't, so several years into this blogging adventure, ok maybe not exactly several but a few, lol, I have finally started to take some notes!) I realize they cover 2 pages of my journal!  So, here goes........and the alarm goes off at 7:30 NOOOOOO, I don't want to get up!  I refuse!  I finally drag myself out of bed after much persuasion and weighing the pros and cons of starting the school day later, sigh.  lol  Yea, its finally cool outside, almost cold!  I love the cooler weather, the colder the better!  I realize it is 64 in the house.  To heat, or not to heat?  That is the question.  I decide not to bc it is supposed to warm up a little today and since I no longer have a baby in the house we can save the electric and hopefully keep the a/c off all day!  :)  9 am, time for our PE walk.  We decide to check in on Papa while we are walking.  He answered the door!  :)  He was glad to see us!  Then we continue our walk around the property.  I advise my littles that it would be a good idea to stay OUT of puddles (which my comp just autocorrected to poodles!  LOL).  Two of them were wearing house shoes!  (Darth Vader and Cookie Monster!)  Keegan is having to discover other shoe choices as he wore out the heel on one boot and it was causing him to walk sideways and I was afraid he might hurt his spine or something if he kept wearing them so I took them away!  He was very SAD!  So, as we are walking Chris mentions a dream he had.  Well, I actually had a dream last.  I don't always dream, well, not that I remember anyways.  So I told them about my dream and the two olders thought it was so funny!  As I thought more about it though, I wondered if it was just confirmation that Keegan needs to be home with me and not in school as I had briefly (very very very briefly, as I enjoy having my babies home and find it such a blessing to be able to watch them learn!) considered letting him go to school with his cousin.  I am not saying I think every dream is a sign or anything like that or that every dream is even significant, some dreams are just that, dreams, nothing more, nothing less.  Anyways, I dreamed Keegan was in school, in kindergarten and the teacher was really upset at him and writing me notes and telling me that I HAD to do something about him and in general not being very nice.  (do not read this as a statement on how I feel about teachers!  this is just how the dream went!)  See Keegan likes to make noises, a lot, sometimes almost constantly!  I do not think he can always help it, I do not think he is always conscious of doing it or being so loud.  Sometimes when we have asked him to quiet down he has kind of looked at us blankly like he didn't even know he was loud.  He tries and he is learning to be more aware and self controlling but he is only 5 and it takes time.  Sometimes he does this while walking circles around the living room.  He kind of gets in his own little zone.  If you listen to him you will discover he is telling stories, someday I need to try to record it bc he can be quite imaginative!  I could definitely see how this could be a problem in a classroom setting though and sometimes its quite annoying for me, when I'm tired or stressed but I know he needs more patience and help to remember to control his actions and emotions better.  So, I thought maybe the dream was telling me that he is right where he needs to be, home with me, even though sometimes its hard!  It was such a pretty day to be outside today!  11 am more school - somedays, I feel like I spend my whole day reading aloud!  between our read aloud book and Kayson's school and Keegan's.  lol, I enjoy it but my throat doesn't always!  :)  Kayson, "I'm coloring it big bc this is a big crayon."  He has the jumbo crayolas for school!  He also says his "n"s like "m"s so ninja comes out "minja" and tornado is "tormado"  It's so cute!  12 - lunch - Cosby Show on Derr ISD lunch Theatre!  :)  I forgot how much I loved this show as a kid!  We were rolling from laughing so much!  and I love Kirsten's dramatic responses!  :)  "Oh, mommy, they need some help!" and when Cliff tells Theo, "I brought you in this world, I can take you out!  Come here"  She said, "What, you just threatened to kill me and now you want to come here?!?"  ROFL!  1:30 pm  Lunch ran late bc we were so busy laughing at the Cosby Show, anyways, more school and I realize Cayden is STILL on his first subject!!!!  OH, that boy!  He just stalls and stalls and stalls, so frustrating!  Keegan was coloring his work and discovered that red and blue make purple!  I love watching them make these kinds of discoveries on their own, I love that they can be observant enough to absorb the knowledge themselves without always needing to be formally "taught" it!  Its so cool to see those "lightbulb" moments!  Just sooooooo exciting!  :D  He also discovered green while coloring on blue with yellow.  3 pm  Kayson had on an army jacket and hat, he put the hat on our paper towels and was talking to them.  The hat is still there!  lol.  I took my little soldier for a nap.  7:30 pm  WOW, I was really really tired!!!  Glenn had got home from training and just let me sleep.  Kayson didn't wake up too long before I did, either.  I discover Cayden is STILL NOT done with school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  UGH!!!!!!!!!  I could SCREAM!!!!!!!!!  What is his deal?  This is an ongoing issue with him!  Not an everyday one but a frequent one!  He just refuses!  Ive seen him sit for hours not doing one paper and when he decides to do it, its done in 5-10 min!  HOURS, people, HOURS!!!!!!!!  Yes, we've had consequences, yelling, tears, rewards for well done jobs, missed opportunities, etc, etc and still it goes on!  9 pm finds Cayden still finishing up his school and me sitting at the table with him doing my Beth Moore homework.  Finally 30 min past bedtime all school for the day is done!  10:30  I sit in a quieter, darker house to take a few minutes to type our day out.  Everything is ready for another round of school tomorrow, I hear Adventures in Odessy playing in the littles room to put them to sleep and an occasional sound from a not sleepy yet bc he had a nap Kayson who is playing in his crib till he gets sleepy enough for sleep.  I just heard howling dogs!  lol, Chris just came in to kiss me goodnight bc he is headed to bed to sleep.  I believe I will head to bed soon also and hopefully it will be easier to get up when the alarm goes off in the am!  :)

a few days

As I sit here waiting on Kayson to fall asleep while listening to the Frozen soundtrack (every night!!!) I think I will write a few highlights of the last few days.  Mondays are gymnastics class and the babies are loving it!  The older two have no problems though telling me how much pain they are in the next day!  I'm all like well, its good for you!  lol  :)  Then we ran by the library, they also love the library!  I love that they love to read.  Cayden found a few books to buy with bday money, they have some for sale at the front.  A little side note here, we do not like the current decorations at the library!  I have heard they plan on decorating more for October.  Looks like we will be avoiding the library till next month!!! Then we ran by Sams to pick up bacon for lunch.  Glenn likes having those mornings to himself.  It's his only day off.  That night we went to our first care group meeting at the church.  It was good.  We are enjoying meeting new people.  Yes, I still have panic attacks before church bc it still feels new.  I am still scared, scared something will happen and they will all hate me. I do not believe this but it is how I feel!  Everyone has been wonderful and so sweet and so accepting!  EVERYONE!!!  Even when a boy showed up in house shoes with a monkey on his hand and proceeded to throw said monkey in the trash!  Someone even found me a kroger bag to put the rescued monkey in till he could get washed!  lol  Oh no, I think he is still out in Silver, oops!  In fact Silver needs cleaned out!  Then we had school the last two days and we will school tomorrow!  I usually love morning walks but this particular morning I saw4 spiders!!!  I seriously dislike spiders, like so scared of them!  CREEPY!  Other than the spiders it was so peaceful, cool, falling leaves, chirping birds, even a woodpecker!  This morning at breakfast I was making a big deal out of popping the biscuit cans.  I really don't like the pop!  I never have!  It's just a thing I have, sigh!  lol, so Kirsten volunteered to pop the last can for me and used her fingernails to put pressure on the seam as I am backing away from the pop and she was all like, "It's just a pop!  It's not a bomb!"  :)  Then we are sitting at the breakfast table and the boys are saying' "Bee-do, bee-do, bee-do"  This conversations follows:  Cayden, "thats what minions do to the fire"  Glenn, "I don't see you purple or yellow"  Cayden, (matter of factly), "Its just for fun"  Kirsten, "I don't see fire"  lol  Yesterday, Honey cooked dinner!  :D  We watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids, our babies loved it!  Tonight we had church.  I am so glad that the babies love it so much!  They ask to go.  They have friends there.  It's great.  On the way home, you know the lllllllooooooonnnnnnggggg drive home!  lol, Cayden says, "When will we be home?"  Kirsten replies, "When the trees stop moving!"  and then I hear Keegan, "Are we there yet?"  Oh, my!  One would think we live hours from church!  Last night we finished watching the last season of Criminal Minds so we would be prepared for the start of the new season tonight!  I am soooooooo excited!  Now, Glenn is home from work and we can watch it!  WooHoo!  On that note, goodnight!  :)