Tuesday, November 3, 2020

Broken

 What to say, what to say?  So broken, that’s all, just broken

                    Bruised

                    Ruined

                    Oh so much pain

                    Kicked

                    Existing

                    No hope

    the bruises don’t heal

        they multiply

    I’m left in ruins

        so high

    the pain continues

        both day and night

    he kicks me

        with all his might

    I’m just existing

        day to day

    I feel no hope

        to stay


10-27-2020

Saturday, October 24, 2020

I cry

 Did I sin?

Was I prideful?

Now we pay?


Oh, Lord,

Forgive me!

Do we get another chance?

Forgive me!


Help me to heal

Help me to forgive

Help me to move forward

    Haltingly I go........

        Now I stop..........

            Scared!

                So scared!

Little mouse

    Squeaks help

Help my unbelief

Help my fear


Oh, Lord,

If you are still greatest in Heaven

If you really and truly still care

HELP!

Show me!

I cry!


10-10-11

Thursday, October 1, 2020

Apologies

 Found some notes I made a few years ago when I was looking up what it meant to give an apology, not just say I’m sorry but how to mean it, how to know if others really mean it.  Is just words enough?  Does God consider words only enough?  What about restitution?  Isn’t that Biblical?  What situations?  What does it really look like?  Is saying “I’m sorry I hurt you”, basically meaning I’m sorry you took offense but I was still right and not sorry for what I said or did really an apology?  Still placing the blame on the other person.  Apology - an admission of error or discourtesy ACCOMPANIED by an expression of regret.  Apology - an acceptance of responsibility for a wrong PLUS a pledge to change one’s ways.  An apology is not complete if it does not reflect all four of these: 1. Regret 2. Understanding of problem 3. Acceptance of responsibility 4. Willingness to do better !  The whole purpose of an apology is an assurance that the behavior will not continue.  If you don’t hear all four of these, it is ok to ask for them.  If you are met with resistance, be skeptical of the true motive behind the words.  Before acceptance of an apology (I’m not talking about extending Godly forgiveness in your heart, that can be done without any action on the part of the other party.  I’m talking about letting someone back in, re-trusting, easing up on boundaries in place to protect you) ask, did I see or detect annoyance, blame shifting, any remorse?  Annoyance, blame shifting or lack of remorse will most likely ensure that the behavior will continue and your heart and emotions are not safe with that person and healthy boundaries need to stay in place.  I feel like these are the types of conversations that Christians do not have nearly enough of.

Monday, July 20, 2020

Hurt

Found this poem while cleaning my room, reorganizing my yarn shelf the other day.  I wrote it 6-10-18.

Hurt

Oh how I hurt,
The things people have said
They bounce around in my head
Maybe they are right
That I’M hateful
    That I’M nothing
    That I shouldn’t have my family
That I’M toxic
Who will be there to cherish me?
Who will help me find belief in love,
    Healing in kindness?
I’ve tried so hard to run towards hope————
    Broken,
        Am i unfixable?
Will i ever feel ok again?

Hollie L. Derr

Friday, June 19, 2020

No Compassion

When you tell someone you have no compassion towards depression ——-
- you tell them they are nothing/not worth your time
- you tell them the problem is solely theirs and no one cares enough to be bothered
- you tell them that you are no longer a safe place for them (and most probably that you never were!)
- you tell them when they feel like crying but don’t know why that you will not be a shoulder for them
- you tell them that when the depression makes sleep at night impossible they will still be expected to get up the next morning and function at full capacity
- Did I mention you tell them they are worthless?  Not worth anyone’s compassion
- you are saying to them that they do not deserve to be on this planet
- that they mean nothing
-that their best is NOT and never will be good enough

A few simple words or actions that say you do not care, says all this to someone who suffers from depression.

Saying you have NO compassion for their struggles says they are not worth your concern, love, thoughts, protection, help - It shoves them lower than they already are, makes it hard to see any light, hard to breath, hard to hope, hard to move forward, hard to live.

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Empowerment

So let’s talk about this word for minute.  There are things I face, things I deal with everyday, things I don’t share on social media, things I’m still trying to sort out myself.  I have come to believe that I was raised and spent the first half of my adult life, started raising my precious babies, in a Christian cult.  Yes, I said Christian cult!  They are out there!  They do exist!  We have people that have known us from babies that will still not speak to us, like an Amish shunning.  So, this word:  empowerment.........  I struggle daily with who I really am, in a lot of ways just discovering myself at 40 years old.  All that to say, There are women in your community, in your church, next door, coworkers, in the grocery store, black, white, red, brown, purple, pink (ok, maybe not the last two), that need empowered to be who they are, to find who they are, to stand up for themselves, against husbands who don’t value them, churches that won’t believe them, friends that won’t stand by them, children who disrespect them, they are losing their fight, losing their families, losing their hearts and becoming lifeless because they believe they are ugly and have no value.  These women, these are those that need your open hearts, your love, your encouragement, your listening ears.  Don’t push them off, don’t give them words that are empty and don’t help.  Some have given everything for years and still nothing changes.  Discouragement is so very real, especially when someone is behind you destroying what you try to build.  They’ve made excuses, they’ve held to hope where there wasn’t any, they didn’t know, they weren’t taught, they just wanted to be cherished.  They need to be able to learn and grow and find mental health, sometimes staying right where they are.  Please, listen, believe, love.  Empower them to find the truth that they are worth more, that they are beautiful, they are not failures.  #notallabuseisphysical #butheneverhitme #itwasntallbad

Friday, May 15, 2020

Depression feels like.........

Depression feels like
      lack of sleep
   feels like
      no hope
   feels like
      hate
   feels like
      isolation

Depression feels like
      failure
   feels like
      loneliness
   feels like
      you can’t catch a thought
   feels like
      stupidity

It is unpredictable
   it is tears for no reason
      sadness when things should
         be happy

It is suffocating
   and overwhelming

It is wanting to end this
   poem on a positive note
      but not being able to
         find one
   wanting to encourage
      but needing encouraged
         yourself
   wanting to help others
      find hope but
         feeling hopeless
            yourself
   wanting to be an uplifter
      but having nothing
         else to give.

Depression is destruction