Broken

 What to say, what to say?  So broken, that’s all, just broken

                    Bruised

                    Ruined

                    Oh so much pain

                    Kicked

                    Existing

                    No hope

    the bruises don’t heal

        they multiply

    I’m left in ruins

        so high

    the pain continues

        both day and night

    he kicks me

        with all his might

    I’m just existing

        day to day

    I feel no hope

        to stay

10-27-2020

I cry

 Did I sin?

Was I prideful?

Now we pay?

Oh, Lord,

Forgive me!

Do we get another chance?

Forgive me!

Help me to heal

Help me to forgive

Help me to move forward

    Haltingly I go........

        Now I stop..........

            Scared!

                So scared!

Little mouse

    Squeaks help

Help my unbelief

Help my fear

Oh, Lord,

If you are still greatest in Heaven

If you really and truly still care

HELP!

Show me!

I cry!

10-10-11

Apologies

 Found some notes I made a few years ago when I was looking up what it meant to give an apology, not just say I’m sorry but how to mean it, how to know if others really mean it.  Is just words enough?  Does God consider words only enough?  What about restitution?  Isn’t that Biblical?  What situations?  What does it really look like?  Is saying “I’m sorry I hurt you”, basically meaning I’m sorry you took offense but I was still right and not sorry for what I said or did really an apology?  Still placing the blame on the other person.  Apology - an admission of error or discourtesy ACCOMPANIED by an expression of regret.  Apology - an acceptance of responsibility for a wrong PLUS a pledge to change one’s ways.  An apology is not complete if it does not reflect all four of these: 1. Regret 2. Understanding of problem 3. Acceptance of responsibility 4. Willingness to do better !  The whole purpose of an apology is an assurance that the behavior will not continue.  If you don’t hear all four of these, it is ok to ask for them.  If you are met with resistance, be skeptical of the true motive behind the words.  Before acceptance of an apology (I’m not talking about extending Godly forgiveness in your heart, that can be done without any action on the part of the other party.  I’m talking about letting someone back in, re-trusting, easing up on boundaries in place to protect you) ask, did I see or detect annoyance, blame shifting, any remorse?  Annoyance, blame shifting or lack of remorse will most likely ensure that the behavior will continue and your heart and emotions are not safe with that person and healthy boundaries need to stay in place.  I feel like these are the types of conversations that Christians do not have nearly enough of.

Hurt

Found this poem while cleaning my room, reorganizing my yarn shelf the other day.  I wrote it 6-10-18.

Hurt

Oh how I hurt,

The things people have said

They bounce around in my head

Maybe they are right

That I’M hateful

    That I’M nothing

    That I shouldn’t have my family

That I’M toxic

Who will be there to cherish me?

Who will help me find belief in love,

    Healing in kindness?

I’ve tried so hard to run towards hope————

    Broken,

        Am i unfixable?

Will i ever feel ok again?

Hollie L. Derr

No Compassion

When you tell someone you have no compassion towards depression ——-

- you tell them they are nothing/not worth your time

- you tell them the problem is solely theirs and no one cares enough to be bothered

- you tell them that you are no longer a safe place for them (and most probably that you never were!)

- you tell them when they feel like crying but don’t know why that you will not be a shoulder for them

- you tell them that when the depression makes sleep at night impossible they will still be expected to get up the next morning and function at full capacity

- Did I mention you tell them they are worthless?  Not worth anyone’s compassion

- you are saying to them that they do not deserve to be on this planet

- that they mean nothing

-that their best is NOT and never will be good enough

A few simple words or actions that say you do not care, says all this to someone who suffers from depression.

Saying you have NO compassion for their struggles says they are not worth your concern, love, thoughts, protection, help - It shoves them lower than they already are, makes it hard to see any light, hard to breath, hard to hope, hard to move forward, hard to live.

Empowerment

So let’s talk about this word for minute.  There are things I face, things I deal with everyday, things I don’t share on social media, things I’m still trying to sort out myself.  I have come to believe that I was raised and spent the first half of my adult life, started raising my precious babies, in a Christian cult.  Yes, I said Christian cult!  They are out there!  They do exist!  We have people that have known us from babies that will still not speak to us, like an Amish shunning.  So, this word:  empowerment.........  I struggle daily with who I really am, in a lot of ways just discovering myself at 40 years old.  All that to say, There are women in your community, in your church, next door, coworkers, in the grocery store, black, white, red, brown, purple, pink (ok, maybe not the last two), that need empowered to be who they are, to find who they are, to stand up for themselves, against husbands who don’t value them, churches that won’t believe them, friends that won’t stand by them, children who disrespect them, they are losing their fight, losing their families, losing their hearts and becoming lifeless because they believe they are ugly and have no value.  These women, these are those that need your open hearts, your love, your encouragement, your listening ears.  Don’t push them off, don’t give them words that are empty and don’t help.  Some have given everything for years and still nothing changes.  Discouragement is so very real, especially when someone is behind you destroying what you try to build.  They’ve made excuses, they’ve held to hope where there wasn’t any, they didn’t know, they weren’t taught, they just wanted to be cherished.  They need to be able to learn and grow and find mental health, sometimes staying right where they are.  Please, listen, believe, love.  Empower them to find the truth that they are worth more, that they are beautiful, they are not failures.  #notallabuseisphysical #butheneverhitme #itwasntallbad

Depression feels like.........

Depression feels like
      lack of sleep
   feels like
      no hope
   feels like
      hate
   feels like
      isolation

Depression feels like
      failure
   feels like
      loneliness
   feels like
      you can’t catch a thought
   feels like
      stupidity

It is unpredictable
   it is tears for no reason
      sadness when things should
         be happy

It is suffocating
   and overwhelming

It is wanting to end this
   poem on a positive note
      but not being able to
         find one
   wanting to encourage
      but needing encouraged
         yourself
   wanting to help others
      find hope but
         feeling hopeless
            yourself
   wanting to be an uplifter
      but having nothing
         else to give.

Depression is destruction

Looking for God in the midst of the hard

I actually took notes down for this blog a few months ago but never sat down to get it typed.  As I look at what I wrote it seems fitting for all we are facing right.  My first thought I put down was how life had been hard especially the last few weeks and I still find that true, however the difference now is, you all share in the hard we are currently facing.  However, then and now, I see ways that God’s grace shines through, especially if I look.  No, the depression doesn’t magically or even supernaturally disappear, the hard things are still there and still must be faced, we still forge ahead but with the knowledge of God in our midst, there in the hard with us, shining His beauty and love if we will open our eyes and take the time to look for Him, be still long enough to let Him speak.  Everything we’ve been through the last few years, my babies still smile and laugh and love, God!  They all have good grades in school, cept the current semester bc our district is not taking grades while we are home bound and sheltering in place.  Kirsten has grown into such a beautiful young woman.  It saddens me that her first year, freshman year of college was pretty much cut short bc of this pandemic but she is picking up extra hours at work.  She works at a grocery store.  She is on the frontlines of this time.  Prayers of protection for her please.  Then Chris!  He has accomplished so much, I am so proud of him.  He will graduate this year and start college next year at the same one as Kirsten.  I am so thankful to have them choose a school close to home.  He plans to run cross country in college while studying engineering and math.  He is so smart!  He amazes me.  He has been helping out during all this too, driving Kirsten to and from work bc her car needs new tires and that came up right before everything started shutting down.  He has also drove my dad into some appointments.  Also ran to the grocery store when we’ve needed something.  Right now as our world is turned upside down and everything is canceled and there’s so much fear and uncertainty, I really need to look and see God.  The birds are singing and the world is blooming, I love to see the fresh green and new wildflowers.  I am thankful, so thankful for our property in this time (well, always, but especially now) where the kids can run and play.  It’s hard when Keegan gets so angry and runs off bc he’s overwhelmed and out of routine and having trouble processing and I don’t know how to help him, how to reach him, but God!  Keegan has always stayed on our property, I’m so thankful for that.  He’s calmer when he comes back to the house.  It’s hard to be growled at by Kayson when he gets mad or doesn’t like what I say or doesn’t want to transition (read get off his iPad) but he has grown so much and is excelling in his school.  He is currently above grade level and not using his IEP accommodations.  That is God!  So amazing!  It’s God that he is still with us!  It’s hard when Kalani wont listen and obey and is into everything and she isnt potty trained, isnt interested it seems, she found pacifiers again and cries if we try to take them, I decided there’s just to much stress right now to fight that battle but God knew we needed her.  Her smile and laughter just lights up our house.  She adores her brothers, she loves having them home! (I do too, actually). She sings and dances all the time.  I see God in the food in our fridge and pantry, in the hand sanitizer we had left from what I bought before school started when it was on sale with the school supplies, in the bird that flew into our living room window and scared us all with a thud but got up and flew away awhile later (we were keeping an eye on it).  Look around, where do you see God at work in your life?

Kayson Strong as an Eagle ~ 2 years

As I sit here watching my miracle boy do his math homework all on his own, I am reflecting on his journey.  Two years ago today, he was still in PICU, still not fully awake, not talking, not walking, my daddy had brought all the siblings to visit and it was so great to see them all.  It was such a scary time for us all and my heart hurt at seeing him just laying there in that hospital bed and not being with my other precious babies during the week.  That was such a long 7 weeks away from all.  Today he is thriving in school, just went to read chap 5 of his book to his daddy for school.  Baseball season will start this month and he is so excited to play again.  He moves up to kid pitch this year.  I am a bit freaked out at the idea of another kid throwing a ball at my boy but I am assured he cannot live in a bubble and all will be fine.  LOL  He is up to his full dose on his new migraine meds.  Doc said it could take up to a year to really notice if they are working well but I did notice the other day that he got a bad migraine, right at dinner time, he tried to eat, he did take Tylenol and ibuprofen, they said he needs both when he gets a headache, then he said his stomach was upset, I put peppermint oil on his tummy.  He laid on the couch and was fussing bc of the pain and that scared me but then he fell asleep for a little while and was some better when he woke.  A little while later he went to bed for the night and was just fine the next am.  Any other headache lately, that didn’t have to be even that bad, would have had him throwing up, resulting in an ER trip.  This time we avoided the ER!  PTL!  I hope hope hope that is a sign that the new meds are working.  The doc said he will prob still get the headaches with throwing up and an ER trip but the hope is to cut the ER visits to once or twice a year instead of almost every other month.  Precious boy is still as silly as ever!  And that red hair!  So so so thankful for his life and his incredible story.  He is now gathering everyone for night night prayers, he loves doing night night prayers and I love his heart!