No Compassion

When you tell someone you have no compassion towards depression ——-

- you tell them they are nothing/not worth your time

- you tell them the problem is solely theirs and no one cares enough to be bothered

- you tell them that you are no longer a safe place for them (and most probably that you never were!)

- you tell them when they feel like crying but don’t know why that you will not be a shoulder for them

- you tell them that when the depression makes sleep at night impossible they will still be expected to get up the next morning and function at full capacity

- Did I mention you tell them they are worthless?  Not worth anyone’s compassion

- you are saying to them that they do not deserve to be on this planet

- that they mean nothing

-that their best is NOT and never will be good enough

A few simple words or actions that say you do not care, says all this to someone who suffers from depression.

Saying you have NO compassion for their struggles says they are not worth your concern, love, thoughts, protection, help - It shoves them lower than they already are, makes it hard to see any light, hard to breath, hard to hope, hard to move forward, hard to live.

Empowerment

So let’s talk about this word for minute.  There are things I face, things I deal with everyday, things I don’t share on social media, things I’m still trying to sort out myself.  I have come to believe that I was raised and spent the first half of my adult life, started raising my precious babies, in a Christian cult.  Yes, I said Christian cult!  They are out there!  They do exist!  We have people that have known us from babies that will still not speak to us, like an Amish shunning.  So, this word:  empowerment.........  I struggle daily with who I really am, in a lot of ways just discovering myself at 40 years old.  All that to say, There are women in your community, in your church, next door, coworkers, in the grocery store, black, white, red, brown, purple, pink (ok, maybe not the last two), that need empowered to be who they are, to find who they are, to stand up for themselves, against husbands who don’t value them, churches that won’t believe them, friends that won’t stand by them, children who disrespect them, they are losing their fight, losing their families, losing their hearts and becoming lifeless because they believe they are ugly and have no value.  These women, these are those that need your open hearts, your love, your encouragement, your listening ears.  Don’t push them off, don’t give them words that are empty and don’t help.  Some have given everything for years and still nothing changes.  Discouragement is so very real, especially when someone is behind you destroying what you try to build.  They’ve made excuses, they’ve held to hope where there wasn’t any, they didn’t know, they weren’t taught, they just wanted to be cherished.  They need to be able to learn and grow and find mental health, sometimes staying right where they are.  Please, listen, believe, love.  Empower them to find the truth that they are worth more, that they are beautiful, they are not failures.  #notallabuseisphysical #butheneverhitme #itwasntallbad

Depression feels like.........

Depression feels like
      lack of sleep
   feels like
      no hope
   feels like
      hate
   feels like
      isolation

Depression feels like
      failure
   feels like
      loneliness
   feels like
      you can’t catch a thought
   feels like
      stupidity

It is unpredictable
   it is tears for no reason
      sadness when things should
         be happy

It is suffocating
   and overwhelming

It is wanting to end this
   poem on a positive note
      but not being able to
         find one
   wanting to encourage
      but needing encouraged
         yourself
   wanting to help others
      find hope but
         feeling hopeless
            yourself
   wanting to be an uplifter
      but having nothing
         else to give.

Depression is destruction

Looking for God in the midst of the hard

I actually took notes down for this blog a few months ago but never sat down to get it typed.  As I look at what I wrote it seems fitting for all we are facing right.  My first thought I put down was how life had been hard especially the last few weeks and I still find that true, however the difference now is, you all share in the hard we are currently facing.  However, then and now, I see ways that God’s grace shines through, especially if I look.  No, the depression doesn’t magically or even supernaturally disappear, the hard things are still there and still must be faced, we still forge ahead but with the knowledge of God in our midst, there in the hard with us, shining His beauty and love if we will open our eyes and take the time to look for Him, be still long enough to let Him speak.  Everything we’ve been through the last few years, my babies still smile and laugh and love, God!  They all have good grades in school, cept the current semester bc our district is not taking grades while we are home bound and sheltering in place.  Kirsten has grown into such a beautiful young woman.  It saddens me that her first year, freshman year of college was pretty much cut short bc of this pandemic but she is picking up extra hours at work.  She works at a grocery store.  She is on the frontlines of this time.  Prayers of protection for her please.  Then Chris!  He has accomplished so much, I am so proud of him.  He will graduate this year and start college next year at the same one as Kirsten.  I am so thankful to have them choose a school close to home.  He plans to run cross country in college while studying engineering and math.  He is so smart!  He amazes me.  He has been helping out during all this too, driving Kirsten to and from work bc her car needs new tires and that came up right before everything started shutting down.  He has also drove my dad into some appointments.  Also ran to the grocery store when we’ve needed something.  Right now as our world is turned upside down and everything is canceled and there’s so much fear and uncertainty, I really need to look and see God.  The birds are singing and the world is blooming, I love to see the fresh green and new wildflowers.  I am thankful, so thankful for our property in this time (well, always, but especially now) where the kids can run and play.  It’s hard when Keegan gets so angry and runs off bc he’s overwhelmed and out of routine and having trouble processing and I don’t know how to help him, how to reach him, but God!  Keegan has always stayed on our property, I’m so thankful for that.  He’s calmer when he comes back to the house.  It’s hard to be growled at by Kayson when he gets mad or doesn’t like what I say or doesn’t want to transition (read get off his iPad) but he has grown so much and is excelling in his school.  He is currently above grade level and not using his IEP accommodations.  That is God!  So amazing!  It’s God that he is still with us!  It’s hard when Kalani wont listen and obey and is into everything and she isnt potty trained, isnt interested it seems, she found pacifiers again and cries if we try to take them, I decided there’s just to much stress right now to fight that battle but God knew we needed her.  Her smile and laughter just lights up our house.  She adores her brothers, she loves having them home! (I do too, actually). She sings and dances all the time.  I see God in the food in our fridge and pantry, in the hand sanitizer we had left from what I bought before school started when it was on sale with the school supplies, in the bird that flew into our living room window and scared us all with a thud but got up and flew away awhile later (we were keeping an eye on it).  Look around, where do you see God at work in your life?

Kayson Strong as an Eagle ~ 2 years

As I sit here watching my miracle boy do his math homework all on his own, I am reflecting on his journey.  Two years ago today, he was still in PICU, still not fully awake, not talking, not walking, my daddy had brought all the siblings to visit and it was so great to see them all.  It was such a scary time for us all and my heart hurt at seeing him just laying there in that hospital bed and not being with my other precious babies during the week.  That was such a long 7 weeks away from all.  Today he is thriving in school, just went to read chap 5 of his book to his daddy for school.  Baseball season will start this month and he is so excited to play again.  He moves up to kid pitch this year.  I am a bit freaked out at the idea of another kid throwing a ball at my boy but I am assured he cannot live in a bubble and all will be fine.  LOL  He is up to his full dose on his new migraine meds.  Doc said it could take up to a year to really notice if they are working well but I did notice the other day that he got a bad migraine, right at dinner time, he tried to eat, he did take Tylenol and ibuprofen, they said he needs both when he gets a headache, then he said his stomach was upset, I put peppermint oil on his tummy.  He laid on the couch and was fussing bc of the pain and that scared me but then he fell asleep for a little while and was some better when he woke.  A little while later he went to bed for the night and was just fine the next am.  Any other headache lately, that didn’t have to be even that bad, would have had him throwing up, resulting in an ER trip.  This time we avoided the ER!  PTL!  I hope hope hope that is a sign that the new meds are working.  The doc said he will prob still get the headaches with throwing up and an ER trip but the hope is to cut the ER visits to once or twice a year instead of almost every other month.  Precious boy is still as silly as ever!  And that red hair!  So so so thankful for his life and his incredible story.  He is now gathering everyone for night night prayers, he loves doing night night prayers and I love his heart!

A crazy week

So I am going to try to write something, this has been a crazy week and my brain is not in a super great place right now.  Dealing with the boy's attitudes and the baby screaming bc I took the iPad away bc its not time for kids tube right no, I feel so mentally exhausted all the time.  Monday I spoke some blog notes into my phone while driving, some of them are super confusing, LOL.  I feel like such a failure as a mother, the kids get so angry sometimes and say such mean and rude things to each other.  I have to fight just to get them to get some basic chores done, the house stays a mess, even when I try to have a place for everything.  Sorry, off track, told you my brain was in a bad place tonight.  Anyways, sometimes it takes me forever to write a blog again bc I think of things to write while I'm driving but they all leave my head before I get a chance to sit down and type them up.  So I realized I could speak my thoughts into my phone with Siri.  However I only have notes for about halfway through mon and the rest of the week will have to be from memory, lol.  Also there's no punctuation in the notes I have so that's interesting too.  I can't believe my baby is almost three!  Another side track, she just walked in here and looked so big and it made me think of that.  Monday am when I took Kalani to dance, she refused to wear her bow and instead insisted on cat ears she had found saturday while we were out at the Hwy 80 garage sales.  Before dance was two parent/teacher conferences, one in person, one by phone.  I missed getting a conference for cayden with one of his teachers bc I didn't read and respond to the email soon enough, sigh.  Anyways, Keegans teacher was over the phone, she said he is doing excellent and they all wish they had like 20 more of him.  That was so great to hear!  Kayson is doing excellent as well, making straight As which is absolutely amazing considering where he was just a year ago!  Then I met Chris at the bank and he opened his own checking account.  My babies are growing!  Then we went for lunch, he chose panda express.  When we got there and were walking in, Kalani spotted the panda and said, "Awww, cute care bear!" lol!  Then We did some grocery shopping.  Tuesday my precious oldest turned 19!  Glenn and I went on a date night that evening, we ended up stopping in at Sams to renew our membership and walked around a bit which led to us finding an arcade table that looks like the vintage pac mans, so we sat and played a game of pac man!  Anyone want to get us an arcade table, its only $500!  LOL  Wednesday was eye appts for Chris and I and those went great!  Chris's eyes are the same and mine actually got a bit better.  Then some Arbys for lunch and another appt and church that evening.  Thurs was a drive into the dentist for all the kids (not miss 19, I'm an adult now, LOL) and that went great too!  No cavities!  Then I took them to fresh for lunch and let them play on the playground there.  We ate outside, it was a beautiful day.  That evening we had french toast for Kirsten's bday dinner and gave her her presents.  Then today kalani and I stayed home and had a lazy day!  That was nice.

hello, its been awhile, I'm sorry

I haven't sat down to type a blog in forever!  My brain feels so jumbled, I don't know what to say here, I'm not sure what I should say here.  Some days are still so hard, and like I know if I try to write something it will just be not great bc my brain is not in a great place.  Or I think about blog topics and think it all out in my head while driving and forget later!  I'm not sure this day or this moment is a better clarity moment but its been so long since I typed anything so here I am, eating pizza for lunch, sitting my room all by myself, not watching Chopped bc we had to get rid of DirectTV, listening to the TV sounds coming from the front room, even with my door closed, feeling completely and utterly alone and forgotten.  So, How's the Zoo these days?  Let me see what my fingers decide to tell you.  Kalani is in dance and loves it, she dances everywhere, the gym, the grocery store, church, our yard, XC meets, everywhere, lol.  She doesn't even always need music.  She still isn't potty trained, its hard bc we never seem to be home consistently enough to work on it well and if there is a day full day we stay home, I'm so tired and mentally exhausted, potty training just isn't happening.  Kayson is loving second grade and doing so great!  He is making 100s on his work and is doing so much different than last year, he's got up to grade level!  its amazing the growth he has had.  He did have two ER visits this summer, everything checked out so that's good but every time he gets a headache and starts throwing up he has to be seen.  It makes me scared for him to get sick at all but I know he can't live in a bubble but oh how I want to put him in one.  Keegan is loving 5th grade and has friends.  He has his own room now bc we were told he needed his own space, that put Cayden back sharing a room with Kayson though.  Keegan also has started counseling and loves having someone to talk to just for him.    He also has been discharged fro his Occupational Therapy.  Sometimes though the words he says are so mean, I don't know why he thinks it's ok.  Cayden is a teen now!  Half of my children are teens!  He has a phone and started running XC, he also wants to kiss me goodbye before the bus reaches our drive in the ams.  A story about him, we were at a local church the other night and saw someone we knew and Kalani and Kayson started up the staircase that was right there!  Neither Glenn nor I were close enough to get there quickly and Kalani started to trip backwards, I was so scared!  Next thing I know Cayden gets there and catches her head right before it hits a step!  I was so proud of him and thankful for his attention and quick thinking!  Chris is my senior this year!  He's in the top 10% of his class, still running XC on varsity, joined the debate team, looking for a job!  Both older teens got their licenses this summer and they both have cars.  Kirsten Started college and got a job.  I'm so proud of my babies!  jhkjvjhwekjfdjruhvksdrhvkwjsnfkejrgelisuhr (oops my fingers went crazy for a second!  Can fingers have a nervous breakdown? lol) We could still use prayers, Silver (fam vehicle) has some maintenance issues, our main fridge is out, the stress is so high and I struggle still with anxiety on a daily basis.  I guess I better go for now, bus is about to be here with three of my boys!  I meet them so they don't have to walk up in the heat.