Actually I can!

 if I can embrace the I can!

believe, DO, move forward

CAN, embrace the can

make it happen

Keep walking

Keep loving

Stay kind

encourage

CAN

Actually I CAN!

Here I sit

 I find myself sitting in the computer lab at school, my school, after just finishing a final exam. I am waiting on child 1 to finish up work because we rode in together today. My college kids have come home for the holidays! This makes me so happy! I know they aren't far and I am so thankful to have them close enough to see them throughout the semester but there is still something about having them on the property again. The holidays are coming! I love Christmas and I'm so trying to hang onto that in the midst of all our hard. I have one more paper for my theology class and two weeks left of my online class after this week and then I will have my first semester back completed. I've questioned myself so many times. I forgot how much I love learning, books, words. It's like I have forgotten myself. I've learned to push me aside because I came to believe that I meant nothing, had no worth, everyone else mattered more. However, I have thoughts, my own thoughts, dreams, dreams still worth pursuing, likes, dislikes, opinions, its ok to have opinions even if they differ from others! I want to definitively say here that I have value but I still have trouble believing that. I've been labeled unloveable, hateful, controlling, paranoid, among other things. Those words float around in my head and make it hard to see myself in a positive light. No! I am more! I have to find belief that I have worth. This is a long road. A hard road. A road of ups and downs, potholes, bumps, fast lanes, brakes. So here I sit, reflecting, allowing myself a moment of excitement as I look to the end of my first semester back and look forward to a new semester of classes and learning and more books after the holiday that has always meant so much to me.

long time ~ no post

 Wow, it has been such a long time since I have posted a blog. There's a lot happening in our lives but not so much that I can really put in writing now. As the holidays approach, my first semester back in school is coming to a close. This is definitely not where I saw my life headed at this time but here I am. My theology class has been so enlightening and I have learned so much. I never imagined I would be attending university along side my two oldest. Life really has a way of throwing curveballs. It is however really neat to share this experience with my kids. The university is so beautiful and peaceful. I love watching my children grow and mature into adulthood. Other things that have happened this fall, Kalani diagnosed with anxiety, Kayson diagnosed with asthma and vitiligo, Cayden started high school, ran cross country and got most improved JV runner, Keegan has outgrown youth sizes and is wearing men's clothes at almost 13! He has also decided to grow his hair out and he has gorgeous curls! Kalani also got to move up to the kindergarten class at dance. She loves to dance so much! Hopefully I can start writing more but there's lots of busy and change.

Don’t ever let me go ~ 1-24-12

 Lord, I love you!

In the darkest times

My soul cries out to you

When I can’t

My soul sings your praises

You are there

when I cry

You lift me up

When broken

You hear my pleas

You attend my wounds

And wipe my tears

I know you’re here

I feel your presence

Even in the dark

Your light shines in my heart

My thoughts/my feelings

May be angry

May be confused

Try to turn bitter

But your pull is there

Your hand

Your urging

Deep

Down

in

my

Soul

Your TRUTH

Still stands

YOUR WORD

Still prevails

YOU, FATHER

YOU, JESUS

YOU, SWEET SPIRIT

are always there

You lift me

I soar

Even when

I don’t see

You carry

When I can’t go on

You give me strength

I am yours

I love you

Don’t ever let me go

Quarantine 2021

 So, how did your year start? lol, hopefully not with a dog bite, 3 pos COVID tests, ER visits, missed work, etc! Oh but the SNOW! It was so beautiful, even if we were in varying stages of virus recovery. I want more! It did give us a scare though bc last time we had snow, not only was it Jan it two days later we ended up in Dallas at Children’s. This time, we did end up at our local ER with miracle boy a few days after the snow bc of a migraine. He tested neg for COVID, flu and strep but I think it might’ve been COVID related. The ER seemed sure he would’ve tested pos if he was tested sooner. Kirsten tested pos when she lost taste and smell but she had already battled hives, fatigue, headache, upper respiratory stuff with two ER visits in dec trying to control the hives. The first ER didn’t test her so by the time the second ER did, she showed neg. Then on the first she went back to work, got bit by a dog doing a curbside order and went back to the ER. She’s fine it was just scratches really but then on the second Chris got his pos result, so when she lost taste and smell, she got retested. Glenn had to start quarantine and started feeling bad so work said get tested, he was pos too. He spent like 5 days in bed. Chris had headache and fatigue and a slight cough. Keegan has had some fatigue and days when I could tell he just generally didn’t feel well.  I think he’s not fully verbal about how he feels physically when he isn’t 100% . Like he doesn’t fully process it. Cayden and Kayson both lost taste and smell and had the fatigue. Seems like the fatigue has been the biggest symptom that has hit us all. Kalani too had days she just didn’t act like she was feeling 100%. Oh and if you can’t taste, char an orange, it can even be a small cutie, and eat it and then you can temporarily taste again! The non-tasters were so excited about this! My smell left me but I still have taste, thankfully. It is so weird not to smell and it left like all at once but seems to be returning slowly and I keep forgetting and trying to smell things! lol! The fatigue seems to be lingering too. Kirsten and Chris have both returned to work and we are thankful quarantine happened during their school break so they won’t miss classes. I think the highlight of quarantine was definitely the SNOW! Can you tell I love the white stuff? We did also have a Jurassic Park/World marathon.  Well, I had better log off here, its time to make some dinner even though a child just handed me a mini Reese’s that I am going to eat before, lol! Thankfully they are tasteable by all now!

pain and confusion

 I wanted you to love me

    I wanted you to accept me

        I tried so hard

            All these years

        I really tried so hard

I looked away

    I forgave

        I let you back in

            I didn’t say so much

Angry, Sad, Hurt, Betrayed, Humiliated

    You have hurt this relationship

        You have destroyed any hope

You do not love

    I feel sorry for you

    What led you to this

        What has you so bound

    How can you so easily be so very horribly deceived?

I do not understand

    How do you turn a back on a relationship

    How do you just not care?

    How do you sleep at night?

Why do you deceive?

    Why do you lie?

        Straight to my face!

            Then blame me

Where do I turn now?

    What decisions need made?

How do I trust again?

    Should I trust again?

Who will listen?

        Really listen!

    Who will believe?

    Who will help?

Broken

 What to say, what to say?  So broken, that’s all, just broken

                    Bruised

                    Ruined

                    Oh so much pain

                    Kicked

                    Existing

                    No hope

    the bruises don’t heal

        they multiply

    I’m left in ruins

        so high

    the pain continues

        both day and night

    he kicks me

        with all his might

    I’m just existing

        day to day

    I feel no hope

        to stay

10-27-2020